Married Gay

How did it happen? (Mobile)

People marry for all sorts of reasons but a stereotypical marriage where the male is gay is as follows:

The male knows or suspects that he is gay or bisexual and perhaps has known it ever since he was quite young, some as young 4 or 5 years old, others at the age of puberty. During his teens, he may have had some sexual activity with his male school friends, probably on a limited scale. However, he has been led to believe by his peers and possibly by his parents that any gay tendencies are a passing phase, part of the growing up process, and he will become fully heterosexual in time. He may even have girlfriends at this stage, though perhaps not with any sexual activity. He may drift on through life until he reaches his late 20s or early 30s, or even later, by which time he feels that it is time to settle down, to build a nest. He may meet a girl with whom he feels comfortable, and who feels comfortable with him. Stereotypically, she is the type of girl who may not have had much experience with men whom she has found intimidating. The gay male, though she may not know he is gay, is possibly less intimidating to her. They get married and consummate their marriage by having  a child or children. The gay husband may even quite enjoy having sex with his wife, after all he has convinced himself that he is no longer gay, but a normal heterosexual guy!  

Wrong!

Along comes the male menopause, or whatever you care to call it - the trigger could be a period of high stress, such as the threat of redundancy at work, difficulties with the marriage, or some other trigger. Often, it happens by the time the children have grown up and are about to leave the nest. The gay husband wakes up to the fact that he has not fulfilled his true sexuality. Yes, he is still gay, albeit one woman short of being gay. He may start to look around at other men (if he has not always done this, subconsciously). He may start to play around a bit - go to the local gay sauna, visit the odd gay bar or club, venture onto the internet seeking pictures and friends. The last thing he will do before starting this is to talk to his wife.

Before long, the gay husband has gay partners with whom he meets for casual sex. He may even fall in love with one particular guy, sometimes very much younger than himself. All of the time, he may be putting himself and his wife at risk from sexually transmitted diseases, HIV, hepatitis, syphilis and so on. If he has any conscience at this time (and any responsibility) he may well start to visit the local GUM Clinic where he can undertake tests anonymously. He is relieved to discover that the tests prove negative. Then he tells his wife..........

A slightly fuller, stage by stage story is set out on the next page - it is aimed more at gay married men than those who consider themselves to be bisexual.

Why do men keep doing it?

Many of us live in an enlightened society where homosexuality is more acceptable than it was even 10 or 20 years ago, and yet, gay men still marry. Why is it still happening? After all, it can cause a lot of pain for the innocent victims of such a marriage such as the wife and the children.

My belief, completely based on speculation, is that it is because those of us who do enter into marriage or a relationship with a woman have never accepted our true sexuality. There are even cases where such men are totally unaware of their full sexuality.

We have never wanted to be gay, despite those baser instincts that tell us that we have an interest in our fellow man. We want to be "normal", whatever that means; we want to be with the majority. After all, that is what Society wants, isn't it?

Thus, we are more likely to try to lead a "normal" life and all that goes with that, suppressing our innermost feelings for our fellow man, and accepting our wife or girlfriend as being "one woman short of being totally homosexual". And yes, we can love our wife or girlfriend as any "normal" man can love their wife or girlfriend, and even convince ourselves that we are "normal" until that trigger happens which destroys it all.

If any of the above strikes a chord with you.......

..... and you want to talk it over with someone, send me a message. I am just an ordinary guy who has had the same problem - I am no expert when it comes to dealing with it. Or join one of the discussion groups, some of which are listed on the links page to this site.

If you are a man, you may feel that you are the only guy in the world who is gay and married. You are not. You may be bisexual rather than gay - that does not matter - the problems are very much the same though you may have extra-marital experiences with women as well as with men.

If you are a woman married to a man who you think is gay or bisexual, again you may feel that you are the only person in the world to experience this problem. You are not.

You may not know the answers to your problem - well there is no fixed answer - it is ultimately what you and your spouse feel you can be comfortable with. You may find the answers to the Questionnaires (access them using a computer) helpful as they reveal all sorts of situations that people are having to resolve.

But if you are a man, here are some of the questions that have to be answered:

There are, I am sure, many more questions that need to be answered, but the purpose of this page is to provide a focus for married gay men and their spouses.

As well as providing case histories, I have provided further links to and details of organizations who cater for the married gay man and his spouse.

So, never feel that you are alone or the only one!

And one day, when you have come to terms with your sexuality .....

..... you might just feel that it is ok to be gay!

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