How can I tell if he is gay?

This is the question that is asked almost more times than any other, from wives, partners or girlfriends of men.

The answer is that you cannot find out with any certainty unless you ask him the question, and unless he is willing to give you a truthful answer.

Most gay or bisexual men in a relationship with a woman, probably love that woman and are frightened of losing them because of their sexuality.

Such men should always be given the benefit of the doubt to start off with - that is, that they are in fact heterosexual, and that there are simple reasons for the suspicions that have been aroused by the partner.

What if he is camp?

Being "camp" (or effeminate in behaviour) is not a good reason for suspecting a man of being gay. There are heterosexual men who are camp as well as homosexual men.

Are there any clues?

One possible clue, but it is not foolproof, is to observe a male partner when a man and a woman come into a room. Does he always look at the man first? If he does, then he might be gay. But it is a very tenuous clue. The best way to find out is to ask.

Another clue is if the man in question has a tendency to look at the crotch area of another man, perhaps more than might be considered normal. The other man may also realise that he is being eyed up and down! One other clue I find useful concerns the male being asked to conduct oral sex on his female partner. Most heterosexual men will enjoy it. Most homosexual men will find the thought of it repulsive.

How should I ask?

Try to avoid raising his fears that he might lose you if he were to confess to his true sexuality.

One way is to tell him that if he is gay or bisexual, this is not something which is going to cause the immediate end of your relationship with him.

Remember though, that if you do try to discover his true sexuality, you may also be uncovering other things about him. Perhaps he has had relationships with men in the past. Perhaps he is still meeting men.