Before You Marry
On a site that is mainly to do with the issues of men and women who are in a marriage or a long term relationship where the husband is gay or bisexual, it seems strange to address the situation where men and women, regardless of their sexuality, are considering getting married. But there is relevance, if we are to try to avoid making the same mistakes that so many of us in marriage have made, probably from time immemorial.
We have to remember that Society puts pressures on individuals to get married, in many different ways. These include parental pressures, peer pressures and religious pressures. All assume or would prefer that we are all 100% heterosexual. In fact, this is not the case. Reference to the results of the questionnaires on these pages can vouch for that!
The problem is that people do not always know what their true sexuality is. Some want to be 100% heterosexual, go into self denial and do a pretty good job of convincing themselves and their spouse that they really are 100% heterosexual. This is a condition that can last several years, but is still not the truth. My belief is that with time and with the easing of pressures, a person's sexuality gradually drifts towards their true sexuality, whatever that may be.
This page is deliberately one sided, looking towards the weaknesses of the male and the female.
So if you are not married, whether male or female, investigate before you marry just what you should know first.
A major question, not particularly answered here, is "Can a gay person stay married?"
The statistics are not good but it is believed that only the minority succeed.
A Gay or Bisexual Person's Reasons for Considering Marriage
There are many reasons for any gay or bisexual person to want to marry:
- They are ready to "settle down"
- They have found the right person, love them and want to marry them (this tends to be the principal reason)
- This person is their best friend and they want to be with them for the rest of their lives
- They do not accept that they are gay or bisexual and have persuaded themselves that having fallen in love, they are definitely heterosexual
- They have not realized their true sexuality and think that having fallen in love, they are "normal" and will continue to be so
- They want to hide their true sexuality, by entering into marriage (using the wife as a "beard")
- They hope their sexuality will change, by entering into marriage.
- They know that they are gay but want children.
Some of these reasons are better than others, and all are supported by a Society which does not really accept homosexuality, and which prefers to see everyone marry so as to procreate. Some are down right bad reasons for marriage.
The reality is that many people do not wish, early in their adulthood, to admit to their true sexuality, and they will do anything they can to avoid the truth being known, whether by their parents, by their peers or by their wife to be. They have the desire to be the same as everyone else.
As they grow older, this wish may become less critical and their desire to fulfil their true sexual desires may intensify, until that trigger comes along which causes the release.
This reasoning would suggest that there will never ever be a time when mixed orientation relationships or marriages will be a thing of the past.
A Straight Person's Reasons for Considering Marriage
- They think that they have found the right person, and love them (this is probably the principal reason)
- They are their best friend
- They are looking for a partner and this person seems a good choice.
I am sure that there are lots of other reasons for considering marriage but these are the ones that seem relevant here.
The Problem
The problem is that however well the marriage starts, there is the likelihood that sooner or later, the spouse's true sexuality will come back to haunt the relationship, as their sexual urges become too strong for them to ignore them.
This can happen within a matter of a few years (or even months) or it can happen after quite a long period, 20 years or more. It is rare for the problem ever to go away once it is realized.
The purpose of this page is so that you, the reader, if you are unmarried, male or female, can become aware, and if you do decide to enter into marriage, so that you go into it knowing the potential problems and the consequences.
Realise that the majority of straight people, discovering their partner is gay or bisexual, will not enter into marriage, and will walk away from it. This is their choice, and they should be given that choice.
Openness and Complete Honesty
If you are thinking of entering into marriage, here are some things you might consider doing before hand:
- Talk with each other, openly and completely honestly about your sexuality, so that you both know the score, giving each the opportunity to decide whether you wish to go ahead with the marriage or not. Unfortunately, there is a strong resistance for the gay or bisexual person to admit to their true sexuality to someone they love, especially if they have persuaded themselves to believe that they are straight.
- Accept that if you do decide to go ahead with marriage, there are potential consequences that you will need to address periodically, so that you know how each other feels about the situation at the time. These are not entirely to do with sexuality:
- Most men and women are capable of being unfaithful to their spouses and at some stage in their marriage, will explore extra-marital activities - how do you cope with this situation?
- The gay or bisexual person will almost certainly start to yearn for contact with members of their own sex. These urges can be extremely difficult to fight - how do you cope with that type of situation?
We are all different, but one thing that has not changed over the years, is that there are still many marriages which involve a gay or bisexual partner.
For some it works; for some it is a major trial; for some it does not work. But the success rate of such marriages is believed to relatively low.