Coming Out
This could well be the most difficult and bravest thing you have ever done.
At some stage, when you have come to terms with your own sexuality, you may consider it is time to tell your wife, if you have not already done so.
This may be because:
- You consider that you cannot keep your secret any longer
- You have had sexual experiences with other men and run the risk of being discovered, or are subjecting your wife to a health risk
- You think that your wife may already suspect your sexuality.
Whatever the reason, you have decided that she must know. How do you do it?
Remember that if you are going to tell her, you are probably already at ease with your own sexuality, but revealing it to your wife is going to be like a bombshell, unless she already suspects. Therefore, though many of us have done it, it recommended that you do not just come out with it.
If you can, gradually get her used to the idea that you are not anti-gay, and indeed, you are sympathetic towards gays. You may even gradually drop into conversation that you are interested in the gay culture and have talked with one or two gay men, and as a result, have a better understanding of them and their culture.
Then after a time, if you wish, reveal to her, gently, that you also have gay tendencies. But remember, it is your decision and yours alone if you do tell her.
But remember also, that she has a right to know, particularly if her health and well-being are at risk.
What happens next?
That is the $6 million question.
Some women, when they are told, can accept the situation. Some cannot. Some are affected catastrophically.
But probably, all will start to ask questions:
- Why have you not told me before?
- Have you always been gay or bisexual?
- When you married me, did you love me?
- Do you still love me?
- Has having sex with me all these years been a pretence?
- Have you been with other men?
- Do you have a lover?
- What is our future together?
This last question is one of the more difficult ones to answer, but remember that it is the decision of both parties as to whether there is a future together, and they have to be for the right reasons, for instance, not just for the sake of the children...... Remember the history you may have had together, sometimes 10 or more years, sometimes 30 years of reasonable happiness. Remember what brought you together in the first place.
- Is there any reason why the fundamental friendship that has built up over the years should be broken?
- Do you no longer have a need for each other?
If the answer to either of these is "no", then why break it? Why not instead, get a better understanding of each other? All married couples should do this, but invariably don't! Why not talk? Why not try to establish basic rules for living together? Some of these, incidentally, may sound rather in the favor of the man, as invariably, the gay or bisexual man will not give up his new found sexuality and will need continued contact with other men.
The moment you have come out to your wife, the "roller coaster" will have started. There will be good days, and there will be bad days. There will be acceptances and there will be refusals. But if you wish to see your marriage survive, you must give it your best shot, and only give up if things are seemingly irreconcilable.
And it is strongly recommended that you both seek advice. Some do it unofficially through internet groups such as HOW (Links Page) which is for men, some do it through local groups, and some through professional counselors.