Effect on wife & family

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You are a wife or girlfriend

You suspect that your husband or boyfriend is not being entirely truthful with you - you suspect that he may be gay or bisexual but when approached, he refuses to admit this could be the case, or he refuses even to discuss it. He also refuses to disclose that he could be involved in extra marital activities.

Before you married, your husband disclosed that up until then, he had sexual interests in other men, but this was coming to an end. This is not a subject that has been brought up again during the marriage, but some years on, you suspect that he is active again, principally because he has lost all interest in you, and seems to spend more time away from home than he used to. When approached, he denies that anything untoward is happening.

Truth or fiction?

Unfortunately situations like these happen all too often - there are probably more cases where this happens than where a man feels that he is able to talk openly to his wife about his sexual or emotional needs.

You are his wife, you love him very much, he is your best friend, he is your confidante, and he is your life. He is the man you want to live your life with, and yet, you suspect that he is doing things behind your back, with other people, male or female.

What are the consequences?

A total refusal for discussion can cause an enormous amount of unhappiness for the wife or girlfriend while the suspicions eat away at her.

I quote from one wife who wrote to me:

"Had he been honest with me as soon as he started with the same sex attractions, I could have been working through it the same time he was, and maybe there wouldn't have been so much hostility between us. I did not appreciate the 2 years of hell he dragged me through while he was grappling with his sexuality issues, and diverting the blame for the destruction of the marriage on me."

There are many variations on this theme but the choices are limited:

	Leave him - what are the effects on any children? - what are the effects on you?
	Stay with him and insist that he stops anything outside the marriage
	Stay with him and try to find ways of living with him which enable fulfillment and stability for both - what are the effects on any children? - what are the effects on you?

There are no easy answers but the second of the options rarely works - even if he agrees, he is almost certain to lapse in the end.

Whatever happens, it has to be your choice ...... take your time over it if you can, and if you can work through it with him, all the better.

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