Case Histories

George was born just after the war, one of the baby boomers. He lived on an isolated farm in the United States, the younger son of older parents, adored by his mother in particular, and probably by his father who had like so many seen the ravages of war and these had affected him. He turned to drink. George had brothers and sisters all born before the war to whom he looked up. They were much older than him.

George went away to school at the age of 8. Here, he learned to live with other boys and in their innocence they used to play around a bit. By the age of 12, George realized that he was dreaming of boys, not girls. He didn't know any girls anyway and the thought of sexual contact with them was something which rather revolted him. His first homosexual experience was with a couple of school friends on an outing some where. It was all rather innocent. All rather exciting. But deep down, he knew that this was not something that he could talk about with his mother or father or brothers and sisters. They would be shocked. Anyway, as George grew older, he realized that to have any sexual contact with another man could lead to imprisonment. The brother of a friend of his mother had been sent to prison for doing so, much to the shock and upset of his family for being a "queer".

On leaving school, George met up with a school friend and they lived in a flat together. They were not a couple but they did have sex with each other from time to time. Neither would admit they were gay. They considered themselves to be "straight" but going through a phase in growing up. George had girl friends, one or two, and he used to take them out to dinner or to the movies. Occasionally they would kiss in the back of his car and they might even go further. After all, the girls seemed to want it and George felt that he had to behave "like a man". By his late 20s, he met a girl with whom he felt comfortable and he became engaged to her. On their first sexual encounter, when George had had true intercourse for the first time, he came away elated, saying to himself "Now I am a man". Unfortunately she two timed him and the engagement was off but four years later, George met another girl and this time they married and they had children and they lived happily as a family. But all the time there were those underlying feelings - the odd occasion when George would see something gay and like it. When he would see a good looking man walk down the street, and enjoy it. When occasionally there would be something explicit on the television or at the movies and he would want to see more.

In the course of his work, George started to travel and sometimes he would be traveling for several days at a time. He became lonely in the evenings and had time to think. Though he was with colleagues, his interests and theirs were not the same. When they were talking of things sexual, to do with women, though he would put on a show, it was difficult for him to show the same enthusiasm, although he would never disillusion them into thinking that he was not interested in women. He might sometimes hide behind the fact he was married and faithful to his wife.

One day, George was on the internet, when he wondered about gay sites. He ventured onto a search engine and entered the word "gay". He found all manner of sites coming up - literally thousands of them. And there were photographs. Soon he was finding sites which held advertisements from men looking to meet other men. Was he brave enough to answer and ad? What if he were found out? Would he be publicly exposed? Would he be castigated?

But he overcame these fears and answered an ad, and he was lucky. He met the guy in question and after more than 20 years of abstinence, had his first true homosexual experience. He realized what he had been missing for such a long time. He felt guilt for doing something outside his marriage for the first time ever. He felt guilt for committing a homosexual act. But at the same time, he realized that he had found something that was essential to him. It would be a while though before he came to terms with his sexuality.

But what of his wife? He had been meeting other guys for a while before he realized that though he had been careful, he was not sure that he was a health risk to her. After all, he was still having unprotected sex with her, however many precautions he may be taking with his male friends. Not to have unprotected sex with his wife would have made her ask why? So he went to the clinic and had himself tested anonymously. He was "clean". No sexual diseases. What should he do now? He had to tell her - to do otherwise would be unthinkable.

So summoning up enough courage, he found an excuse to tell her that he was gay. She had suspected that something was happening but had not broached the question, preferring that it would go away. The knowledge that he was gay and active hit her like a thunderbolt. But contrary to his worst fears, she did not kick him out of the house, preferring to work out some solution that might work. This was strange because she had always said that if he was unfaithful to her, the marriage was at an end. But faced with the reality of the situation, this was not necessarily the answer.

George explained that his need for men was fundamental to him - he could not give it up. She felt that that was unfair because she seemed to making all the sacrifices and he none. But faced with it, she accepted that they should continue to live together, and work it out together by talking and talking and talking. They had to establish the need for staying together though, their history, their friendship, their love and the children.

That was a year ago. George and his wife are still together - he has not given up his sexual encounters with men but he does not give his wife the details. They live from day to day, and it seems to work. But what if George one days meets the man of his dreams? That is the risk that George and his wife have to take. How long can they live with it?

It came as a shock to read that outline as it was so accurate even down to the ages where things happened. Is it really that common? My own experience is that there are a hell of a lot of married guys out there who also practice gay relationships. I don't know whether they are just frustrated and desperate for sex and so turn to other guys to gratify their instant needs or whether they really are gay to some extent.

My own experience has been suppressed from my teenage years. My father died when I was 14 and I was left with my Mum living in a small village where everyone knew everything about you if you weren't careful. Consequently I kept all my feelings under careful wraps. I then went to college to train as a teacher. Again this was a very closed environment Great fun but very isolated form the real world.

I then started teaching and again kept it all to myself, admitting anything only in the form of the occasional magazine bought when I was on my own somewhere else. This went on for years. I got ,married when I met this wonderful person whom I am still married to. We have worked hard at our marriage and are usually held up as being the ideal couple. If only they knew!

Our sex life has never been brilliant and when we tried for my daughter we had great problems which involved many visits to hospitals . We were allergic to each other and it took about three years to discover this. By the time we had succeeded it had played havoc with our sex life. It had become very clinical even having to do it at set times. But we survived and we developed a very strong relationship which somehow doesn't depend on sex to make it work. Neither of us are particularly strong in that department. However I did have growing urges to meet men.

Over the last 12 years I have resorted to the cottage, George Michael style. This has never been very satisfactory and even dangerous, so I gave that idea up moving onto the saunas up in London. This was the pattern until this last September when I met a guy called J whom I instantly fell in love with. Not a gentle slide into it but a full slamming head over heels love. We walked into each other literally and we had coffee together and from there we have seen each other regularly. He lives in London and is in a long term relationship of 4 years with another guy . I live in the Home Counties about 40 minutes on his motorbike and so he comes down on his day off and we spend the day together. Love making with him is like nothing else I have ever experienced. Its so complete. He is 28 and has come from a very different sort of background to myself and so we have so much to talk about. However he is adamant that I must not leave my wife as he does not intend leaving his man. So it sort of balances. But I do miss him awfully just before its time for us to meet again.

The effect of this meeting was very exciting to start with but by the end of October I was beginning to panic and feel that I desperately needed to clear the air with my wife about my sexuality. My love for J was setting out of control. I did not know what she would do. I was quite prepared to be booted out of the house. I had had a very quiet week business wise and done busy-work all week until Friday when I just sat about playing on the internet. When she came home from work at the end of the day I just dissolved into tears and could not stop all evening as I knew I had to tell her but couldn't do it. By the end of the evening she was really frightened and so was I. Next morning she took me to the hospital and I spoke to one of the doctors about my problem. He gave me various phone numbers. Saturday evening was a nightmare and by Sunday morning we were both sat in bed and it just
happened. It seemed such a simple thing to say Her response was "I have known for at least 10 years." This came as a shock, but we were still talking 10 hours later, by now with my daughter who is now 17 and very sensible. Her reaction was "so what, you are still my Dad and I think that you are very brave to admit this." Well we talked for the next three days pretty continually and we decided that my wife and myself should get counseling to decide how to cope with it. So far so good.

My daughter had already met J but did not realize the relationship. He is an ex-student of mine as far as they are both concerned. Nearer Xmas he organized for us to buy a new cd player through the shop he works in so we all went up to London to collect it and we all had dinner together. My wife by now is beginning to realize that I like him more than just as a friend. He has also had a day with us all after xmas.

We are receiving the e-mail from the support e mail service and they are excellent as they give lots of ideas as to how others are managing the situation. They are fascinating to read. She is coming around to the idea of me having a steady. I have not said anything yet as she is clearly several months behind me and needs time to catch up. But I feel that she will eventually suggest this as it has been mooted a couple of times now as a solution. She likes J and thinks that he would be suitable for the deal, this was said in a light-hearted moment. As yet however I don't think that she is strong enough to cope with this. We have to sort out where she goes from here first. But I don't think that it will be long. If the truth be know she probably realizes already that we are lovers. We are certainly closer both physically and emotionally since my disclosure and who knows what will happen. The idea of sex between us frightens the life out of me at the moment . What if I fail to deliver the goods?

Personally I feel that a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders after all these years. I feel somehow jubilant that I have admitted it and my world still carries on. But why did I not do it earlier? J said "Thank God you didn't You would have been right in the midst of the Aids generation." (I am 52)

I am a 49 year old white married male. I have been married for 23 years. My wife is afflicted with Reflex Sympathic Dystrophy, Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which has also manifested itself into Multiple Personalities. Currently she has nine alter personalities.

I have always been attracted to guys from as early as I can remember. Unfortunately, due to societal views on homosexuality, I did a great job of keeping this feeling buried for the majority of my adult life.

Additionally, I was career military having served almost 23 years, and to have been found out then would have ruined my life. Unfortunately for the past 10 years I have not been happy with my marriage and life in general. The reason for this was the above stated facts concerning my wife's medical problems. I found absolutely no satisfaction in sex with her and haven't had intercourse for almost the past 10 years. Again, part of this is due to the fact that with the post traumatic stress disorder, no one can get within five feet of my wife, including me.

Anyhow, the week before Christmas, 1998, it was on a Monday, I had all of this extra time at work to think. And thinking can cause a lot of problems. The more I thought about the situation, the more depressed I became. (I normally carry a gun in my car for various reasons). Fortunately that day, I had left it at home. I was so depressed at the end of the day if I would have had my gun with me I would not have made it home. The next day, Tuesday, I was still depressed. After work, I called a friend of mine, and he is gay. I work with his significant other. I asked him if he had an extra beer and he said no he didn't. I told him to meet me at a local bar and he agreed. Well one thing led to another and I told him my feelings about men and that I had been thinking, God am I really this screwed up or am I just coming apart at the seams. John told me about his Coming Out, and after about three hours, I finally admitted to John and myself that I was Gay. It felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. I started to really feel good about myself and life again. Then it hit me, How can I be gay and also be married. Well, the next night, I went over to another friends house, she had just lost her husband earlier in the year. This lady is the greatest Lady in the world. I told her about the night before and that I had finally admitted to myself that I was Gay. She told me SO WHAT, You are still the same person that I have always known and loved. This lady is a real sweetheart. So, her and I talked about this for about another hour or so. When I left her house, I felt a lot better. The day after Christmas I had planned on going to see my older sister and her husband in Ohio. While there, my sister and I had a very long talk, and I ended up telling her that I was gay. She accepted the news as only an older sister could. She told me that she accepted it, and that no matter what, I was still her brother and she loved me. Additionally, she stated, 'WHO IS TO SAY WHAT IS NORMAL."

A week later, I finally found the courage to tell my wife. Unfortunately at first she did not take the news very well, but we are working on it. It will be a long process and we both know that it will not necessarily be an easy one. But we are exploring all of the possibilities. This is all new to me, especially from the fact that I have found out that my feelings seem to be right on top of everything right now and I get very emotional about little things. But, hopefully in time that too shall pass. If anyone would like to contact me concerning this matter, my e-mail address is wolvesmen@hotmail.com . I would truly appreciate hearing from others in this same type of situation and maybe we could help each other.

Introduction

I was born in 1945 when homosexuality was regarded as a disease that could be cured. If that had been true I could have taken the cure and perhaps found true love instead of settling for companionship.

Early Years

I took no interest in the girls at school but, from the age of around 9 or 10, I was attracted to other boys at school and was aware that the attraction was of a sexual nature. I was brought up with the notion that 'playing with yourself' was dirty and sinful. I well remember looking up masturbation in a medical book, that I found in my parents bedroom while they were out, and, to my horror, read that boys that practiced 'self-abuse' would suffer madness and be put in a straight-jacket and locked in a padded cell to 'cure' them. The article went on to say that signs of a boy practicing masturbation were spots on the face and 'pigeon-chested' lads. This really put fear into me and, as a result, I tried to conquer my furtive, nocturnal habit. Needless to say my attempts were a complete failure. I knew that some of the other boys at school indulged in sexual practices together but, whenever I was approached, I declined telling them that it was wrong although I dearly wanted to be involved. I was even afraid of taking communal showers in case I had an erection at seeing the other boys 'private parts' My first experience of 'gay sex' was when I was around 14 years old. I had gone to the local cinema to see a comedy film and the guy (probably in his twenties) sitting next to me 'interfered' with me. I was excited but, at the same time, afraid and when he placed my hand on his erect penis I fled and ran all the way home. For days after I relived the experience time and time again wishing that I had stayed and enjoyed it. Every time I visited the cinema I was secretly hoping that something similar might happen, but it never did. Every night, in bed, as my hands crept down to my crotch I fantasized about being naked with boys that I knew while, all the time, fears about my being 'mad' tormented my mind.

Marriage

In later years, early twenties, I took to visiting public toilets and, on a few occasions indulged in mutual masturbation with other guys which left me feeling ashamed and resolving never to do it again - until the next time the urge overpowered me. At the age of 23 I met an older woman (38), she was married with two children but said she was in love with me. I was flattered and we arranged furtive meetings where she introduced me to 'normal' sex. My urge for sex with other guys abated and, for the first time in my life, I felt good and happy. Gone were my 'sinful' feelings for other men! In the course of time her husband found out about us and she told me that she was leaving him and the children. The outcome was that we set up home together and, after the divorce came through, settled down to a 'normal' married life.

After about five years, without as much as a thought about other men, I became friendly with a guy from work and we started going out drinking occasionally. Over the months we became bosom buddies and one night, on the way home, he stopped the car in a quiet spot and we began to touch and caress each other which led to mutual masturbation. For the first time sexual activity with another male didn't make me feel ashamed - I felt happy and at peace with the world. As our meetings and sexual activities became more frequent I became a different person, more relaxed, more understanding and sympathetic towards others - even my limited sex-life with my wife took on new dimensions.

Caught Out

If only things could have stayed like that forever, but no. One night, after returning from the pub with LB, I invited him in for a coffee. My wife had retired to bed and was asleep; coffee led to other things. LB and I were enjoying the warmth of each others naked bodies as we caressed and played with each other, oblivious to anything else. Suddenly the door of the living room
opened and in walked my wife. In vain we tried to cover our obvious sexual arousal as we jumped up and began to dress hurriedly. My wife screamed at us, ordering LB out of the house and telling him never to come near again, before breaking down in tears. I didn't know what to do and, like a coward, I left the house and drove around the street for a couple of hours. My mind was racked
with the pain I had brought her, I was utterly ashamed of myself, my life was in ruins, I just didn't know what to do and even thought of ending it all there and then but, once again, the coward in me won through and tears flowed freely down my cheeks at the thought of my wrecked marriage. Eventually I returned home. The atmosphere was strained but the incident wasn't mentioned by either of us. Over the next weeks and months we kept up the pretense of the 'happy couple' and things slowly got back to a semblance of normality - the only difference being a total absence of sex between us. Eventually things began to improve and, although we never regained the love and trust that we had previously, life was beginning to look a lot brighter.

I resolved never, ever to become involved with another guy again. I disposed of the 'gay' magazines that I had hidden in the house and busied myself with new hobbies and interests to keep my mind occupied and off thoughts of sex and men. During the next five years we managed to regain some of our former happiness together, although there were the odd times when my resolve weakened and I hung around public toilets once again only to be rewarded by my former feelings of disgust at what I was doing.

Early one morning in 1981 I awoke with the usual erection and, trying to make as little movement as possible in case my wife woke and realized what I was doing, I masturbated. Satisfied I turned to look at my wife and, at once, realized that something was wrong. She had died in her sleep from a massive heart attack.

A New Beginning?

I was devastated but, deep down, I felt as though I had been freed. After the funeral I decided that now was the time to start all over again and follow the feelings that had laid dormant for so long. This proved to be more difficult than I'd imagined. How could I 'come out'? I was afraid of losing my many friends, then there were my two step-daughters, who looked on me as a second father, I couldn't subject them to the knowledge of my sexuality. I discovered that I was now an eligible bachelor with an abundance of female admirers - oh , had it been male admirers!

One thing led to another and, before I was fully aware of it, I was a married man again. This time I thought that things would be different as I'd told my intended wife about my sexual feeling towards men before we decided to marry. Her reaction was that it didn't matter and I'm afraid that I took it as the truth. Although we have a good marriage she watches me like a hawk, wanting to know who I've been with if I go out and is suspicious of any male friends - although none of them even know that I'm not 'straight'.

We've been married now for 15 years and, although we have no sex-life we are happy and content with each others company. I just couldn't contemplate life without her; I want to be with her for the rest of my life. The only trouble is that I still crave the love of another man.

Roy can be contacted at troy@biogate.com

A old friend sent me a link to your web page. Much of it is very familiar, but some is different. If you're interested, here's my story.

I'm 46 year old gay man living with my gay lover for almost three years. I was born the youngest of 4 children, six years younger than my closest sibling. We lived in the country and until I was 7 and I had no one else to play with. My father was a hard worker, but also an alcoholic and my mother was extremely over protective. I grew up in the 60's watching the world change before my eyes. I always knew my destiny was to grow up, get married and have children. Sex, never entered the picture. Sex was never discussed. At age 11, I discovered sex and thought I was the only one in the world that knew about this! This was great. However, sex education was instituted in school a couple of years later and my bubble was burst. So, now I had the fundamentals down. Place tab A in slot B, mix well and babies come out of slot B.

Everything was fine until I discovered the world of photography. I think Marilyn Monroe's famous playboy spread was the first "porno" I'd ever seen. That was nice. But things took on a whole new level when I saw my first porno movie, Deep Throat. Now I saw these gigantic erect penises on the big screen. Now that... was entertainment!!! I was hooked. I liked porno, but only porno with shots of guys in it. Was I gay? Nahhh.... Didn't even think about it. Gay guys were guys who had limp wrists and spoke with a lisp. I on the other hand preferred manly men! Big rough, tough hairy chested guys. So obviously I wasn't gay.

I made it through high school without ever dating a girl. By college, I felt the peer pressure to take a girl on a date. I think I did went on (one time) dates twice. Finally, I gave up and was much happier with just hanging out with my male friends. Eventually, though I was snatched up (excuse the pun). A very insistent girl was attracted to me. I was infatuated by her adoration of me. She appeared to be a very innocent church girl. What she turned out to be was basically a slut. But, we fell in love. She didn't like being a slut. She wanted to settle down with me. She couldn't go without sex, though and proceeded to show me the ropes. Well, we got married and had four kids. We stayed married for 20 years. She never really changed her ways. She was always a slut and had dozens of affairs and even a stint of prostitution during our marriage. We did (if the truth be known, still do) love each other very much.

It wasn't long into our marriage that we both figured out I had "homosexual tendencies", as she liked to put it. She had me go to psychological counselors to "cure me". The first one, said to just try it. If I liked it, I probably was gay. Well, I took his advice and wound up essentially letting myself get raped from an encounter at a gay bar. This happened again, also not a fun time. (you see, I went out on the nights she went out 'hooking'). I figured my wife's a slut, and I'm a queer. I might as well die like this. Well, the third time something happened. I met a guy and we had wonderful sex... I mean it was great!!! I liked it so much, that I went back to his place in a few days to meet him again. He didn't like me showing up unexpectedly and said something about these god-damned faggots always showing up and got rid of me.

That was less than half way through our marriage. I settled down and stayed true to my wife, a favor she was unable to return. I eventually kicked her out. I figured if I couldn't have sexual relations the way and with who I wanted, neither could she. I attempted suicide over that. Obviously, I screwed up, so I'm still here. But, I at least succeeded symbolically. That old person is dead. I learned to admit to myself and accept that I am gay. I came out to my kids right away. But not to my family. My father is dead and my mother has Alzheimer's disease. My siblings and I don't really talk anyway, so what difference does it make. My kids have all taken the news in their own way. I figured it was much better to hear if from me than from some one else... a decision I've been grateful for. They have all respected me for being honest with them. The hardest part for them, I think, was the wondering if they might be gay.. at least for my sons.

In the end, I am sad that my marriage didn't last. I grew up in a time when (at least I thought) people got married once and forever. I always had a story book idea of a marriage anyway and sex wasn't really a part of it. It was more of a partnership. That, I miss. I am in a new relationship now. But the first one nearly killed me. It's hard to let go and try again sometimes. At least with the same abandon I did the first time. I hope he understands.

We have been married for 15 years and have 1 child. A daughter 2. My husband says he is bisexual. He has not acted on his urges yet. He does have a friend. We are going to try through therapy to hold this together. We have a love bond that will not be easily broken. I myself am in therapy and we start therapy together soon. I am not wanting to save this marriage just for the house or our child. For us. You see no one could love me or make love to me like my husband. My only fear is him leaving for another man. However, I have enough faith in the love he has for me and my daughter that he will not leave. I do not agree with an open marriage and I certainly am not going to "cheat" with another man. Sex is sex but in a bi situation or even a gay one it is not all about sex. As women we can not provide or give the "male bonding" that bi men or gay men need.

I am trying to see clear through the cloudy path past the bi thing and see him for the MAN he is. The man I married for life, the father of my child(ren), the only man I will ever love. For those Christian women who can not deal because God Created Adam and Eve, well honey, you do not judge that is Gods Job. And it will not be easy. It all has to be in baby steps.

If you like you can post this on your site. Maybe if other women see it they will be able to sleep better at night.

Peace

I do believe that staying in a marriage when one is gay truly diminishes the individual, just as any other choice that one makes that does not allow one to fully realize his/her life potential. It does NOT mean that gay men cannot stay married and have a modicum of happiness. But I challenge anyone to live in a relationship where he or she cannot be who they truly are as a total physical and spiritual being and be fully realized. There is limited self-expression of one's true nature.

People make decisions based on comfort level, station in life, economic situations, family circumstances and so many other factors. But, when we become so uncomfortable in a situation, we often grow restless and try to find a way out. Take for example a man who is unhappy in a job. He will do everything he can to change to better himself. It may take time, but there will usually be an effort to move.

I know that men who are remaining in their marriages truly want to hear a success story, but in over 25 years of counseling and working with individuals, couples, I've never seen a success where two natures are diametrically opposed - one gay, one heterosexual.

However, I would love to add a success story to my repertoire. So, if there is one out there, please tell us how you are doing it. Just remember, there is a vast difference between "coping" and being truly happy.

And this is where the gay men who have come out and left their marriages have been chiming in. They have faced the issues of self-integrity, unhappiness, years of "coping" and clandestine meetings without the opportunity to be free to self-actualize. They are speaking from experience so that those men who remain in their marriages can actually hear what it's like to move beyond a limited existence.

I can speak from the experiences of many men who have shared with me their journey, but the one I know best is my own. If anyone loved his wife, it was me. And she loved me. She was supportive, never complaining about the lack of sex. Our lives were intertwined, fully involved. We did everything together. There was no lack of romance and affection, it just stopped short of sex. After years of clinical depression and trying to end it - I had figured out a way to end my life and make it look like an accident so she and the children would be taken care of for the rest of their lives - I realized that I was not being fair to her OR myself.

That day was like a rebirth. Even though our marriage did not end for 6 years, I felt like a whole person because I was accepting myself and gradually revealing my true nature and self to those I loved.

I cannot tell you how fulfilled my life is. I cannot tell you how thankful I am every morning I wake up beside my spouse and realize this is really my life. I am free to speak, to do, to live to my full capacity without looking over my shoulder or covering my tracks; without worry that someone will discover my "secret."

The difference is black and white, and for me, life and death. Other's stories are similar to mine and all are willing to share their walk. For those men who are married, don't be threatened by it. Learn from their experiences, celebrate with those who were able to move on, knowing it can be done if one so desires. But don't feel that we are looking down on you for staying.

18 months ago, my husband of 7 years (then 49) disclosed to me (aged 55) that he had SSA for men, and had in the past had sexual contact with various men. Thankfully, not since we had been married. He had been feeling guilty about his past, not having revealed this to me, and he was having strong M2M longings again. He told me he was wanting to tell me, but that when we met, fell in love and married, he honestly felt he would never want M2M contact again.

This is his 2nd marriage and my third. I happen to be a wheelchair user; I have had a progressive disability for 43 yrs, but was still quite independent and working full time when we met. However a few years ago, things deteriorated and we changed our lifestyle, and Mich became my carer. (I say this to paint a picture; I am now working part time again, I'm happy to say).

The day after Mich disclosed to me, he had a serious heart attack and was hospitalised for some time; this put any discussions - and indeed any real grieving over his sexual revelation, on the back-burner until he had recovered.

Eventually, we were able to address the situation; we talked and talked, cried, and agonised over the situation for months. I was trying to come to grips with the most overwhelming thing I had ever experienced, Mich was feeling a combination of relief, guilt, helplessness over seeing what he had put me through, and of course, the anticipation that he could possibly act on his longings. Both of us went through the "what-ifs" - what if he was really "fully" gay? what if we could not accept this new thing in our marriage, what if we could not have sex any more, what if I had to compete with men, what if people found out etc etc.

Gradually, we started to recover, and worked on some strategies for making our marriage remain strong while still enabling Mich to be himself, with no more suppressions. Eventually, I could see that coming out to me was one thing, but he was still sad, somewhat empty and going through very confused emotions because he wanted (needed) M2M contact. So I did something that even surprised me! I suggested that he see a qualified, registered male masseur, who could give him relief. I thought this would be safe, and would not allow for emotional attachment, this idea scared me totally! We set down the guidelines, and one of the rules was - apart from the hygiene and protection issues which went without saying - Mich was never to penetrate a man; this was reserved for me only. He explained all this to me, and said that his preference is to be a 'bottom" anyway. He also assured me that he was not interested in a relationship with a man, nor any actions like kissing, hugging, holding hands etc, nor to going to or hanging around gay bars etc. It is purely the sexual need, and any limited actions that are a 'means to the end (so to speak) This was a huge relief to me! I don't think I could live with this all that well.

After some months of these masseur 'visits' as we call them, I noticed that he was not really totally happy or satisfied if you like, and now we have taken this to another level. He visits a gay sauna now and then (it works out to about monthly; we talked about want versus need, and he tries to consider this out of respect for me). He spends several enjoyable hours there, and if things work our for him, has a private session in a room there. He does not exchange contact numbers, and always phones me straight afterward to set my mind at ease. We discuss the visit with as much detail as I want; I prefer it this way, as it enables us to keep monitoring things, in a way, a safeguard for our marriage.

Mich says he still feels some guilt, and after his 'visits' he sometimes becomes withdrawn for a time. He says he appreciates how good & understanding I have been over this, and sometimes struggles with the hurt he feels he may be causing me (not with who he is).

We love each other deeply, and I understand him and his needs, however I do not feel I am a victim or a martyr (however, at times I still feel uneasy and wish this had not come into our lives....I feel I actually handle it better than he does)

We believe our success has been because he is willing to talk whenever and as much as we/I want to about his Bi self and needs (although this was very difficult for him at first because even though he is a gentle, honest man, he sometimes finds deep conversations, especially about himself, quite difficult); our marriage is based on LOVE, RESPECT, HONESTY and COMMUNICATION.
Mich says that his SSA occurred at a young age, he played around with other little boys, and at puberty, was coerced (but enjoyed) sex with his very-much older uncle a few times, and later still with other men; however, he also pursued relationships with women. He admitted to cheating with a man when his first marriage went sour.

We are doing okay; we still make love - or sometimes just 'have sex'. Sometimes we role-play (which we did not do before disclosure); sometimes it is difficult for Mich to have an orgasm with me - we have not discounted that this may have something to do with his fear of having another heart attack, given that it was after a sexual session that he incurred his H/A..

I think I should also say, that at the time that his longings started to become urgent (before he told me), our sexual relations were not frequent or regular because of very high levels of pain that I was enduring. I believe that this added to his increased M2M thoughts; he agrees.
No-one else in the family or among friends knows about his biversity, except my mother who has been extremely supportive to me, and helped me recover, as well as help me realise that I had to get behind my man and remember why I had married him; these reasons had not changed. I could see that this whole thing was incredibly traumatic for him also.

Well, that's about it. I feel blessed that we have survived; our marriage was strong anyway, but we now never take anything for granted when it comes to our relationship.

I am a trained social worker and counsellor by the way (not practicing, I work as a Consultant & Trainer in the social justice field) and help to manage a web discussion list called Bi Guys Wives (not very busy, quite new... still assessing its true value).

I would be happy to offer my support to any other women struggling to accept their man's biversity and wishes to keep the marriage together.

Case History No. 9

In places, this offering is quite explicit, but I have made very few changes to the text - it comes from the heart and should be treated in that manner. I hope that it will be of help to husbands and wives alike.

I'd like to offer my own personal experience to those who are dealing with bisexual urges in a monogamous heterosexual relationship.

I have been married twice. I have been married to my current wife for 12 years. I have been aware of my bisexuality since my teens. I rarely acted on it. Looking back, I see that without exception I was drunk and made a trip to the video arcade. I have been sober through Grace for seven years. Coincidentally (??), when I turned my addiction over to my Higher Power, the visits to the arcade stopped. I have not been back, nor turned to another man, in that time.

Please do not take this as a declaration that I "found Jesus" or something, and all my problems have magically disappeared. The sexual thoughts and desires still arise; I simply choose that from this day, I am sober and faithful in my marriage. For me, one day at a time has worked-- so far. And, that's good enough for me.

Masturbation helps, too. :-) But rather than focus on fantasy images of being with another man (or woman, for that matter), my intention is to stay in the present moment and be fully present with the actual physical sensations that arise. Yes, thoughts and images of fantasy partners arise, but I am not these thoughts and images. My intention is to draw the sexual energy up into the heart, to surrender it, if you will. Many times, I will masturbate for 30 minutes or more several times a day without ejaculation. I would much rather share orgasm with my wife. I find that this practice has made me a better lover and allows me to be more fully present with her as well.

Whether you believe in chakras or not, my experience shows that this intention of sublimating sexual energy drains it (and me) of its' restless, grasping, possessive qualities. This practice has been done in the East for thousands of years, and I find it brings me peace of mind and Heart.

No one is responsible for my orgasm except me. No one is responsible for my happiness except me. So it appears to this one.

I told my wife of my bisexuality more than eight years ago. As was mentioned on the site, this can be marital dynamite-- and was for me. I intended to share an "ugly" part of myself that I believed to be shameful. Hopefully, I wanted to believe, it would bring us greater intimacy.

The reaction was swift, immediate and intense. She took it as me trying to bail out of the marriage, the exact opposite of what I intended. The next few months were extremely difficult and yet I grew as a human being. I was extremely focused on healing the marriage, was willing to surrender all expectation that the marriage would survive intact, and endeavored to remain humble in the face of the inevitable backlash of emotion that (quite naturally) came from her at regular intervals.

It has taken years to regain her trust. Her most frequently stated fear is that I would "give in" to my bisexuality and leave her for a man. I often responded, sometimes exasperatingly, that if I left her for another man or my secretary, what difference would it make?

She said something I'll never forget: "I can't compete with a man."

Talk about raw honesty. Her admission did bring us closer together. Yet she has never fully accepted this part of me, and I choose to live with that.

I am not recommending or discouraging any particular course of action. I merely share this in the hope that it will be of service to other men and women. At times, I have felt caught in a vise, with no hope of a resolution where someone is not heartbroken. But with sites like this and others, I am coming to terms with my own sexuality as it relates to my marriage. I have realized I am not alone, I am not wicked, and that these sexual impulses have existed for men in all cultures, in all times.

Thanks for caring enough to make this space available to people like me.

Case History No. 10

I have been married for 23 years to a really wonderful man who happens to be gay. I did not know he was gay when we married, in fact he claims to have been in denial for most of his youth. He does admit to a few experiences with other men when he was in his twenties, but always wrote those off as just experimenting. When he met me, he fell in love with me and he thought his past experiences were behind him. But a few years into the marriage those old urges came back to him and he started cheating on me from time to time having sex with men he met online.

This went on for the first 17 years of marriage until one day I found some incriminating evidence on our computer. Over the next few months the whole story of all the cheating and lying came to a head and we thought that we had to get a divorce. I had sought out help in the form of online support groups, and all of the str8 spouses I met online told me to head for the divorce courts!

But I was miserable at the thought of losing the one man whom I loved more than anyone I have ever met or loved. He was and is my soul mate and I was delighted to hear he felt the same way.

So we decided to try to work through our sexual orientation mismatch. It was not easy. I had to regain my trust in him and frankly that was one of the toughest challenges we faced. But we worked together on this, and he opened up more and more each day. We also worked on other facets of our marriage that had nothing to do with the gay thing. And now, at this point in our life together we are once again happily married.

We are committed to one another. We have always been open with our sex life... except for that one secret which was the elephant in the living room we didn't talk about. Now we talk about it. We do still have a sex life, but for us we found that sexual monogamy was not that important. We have an open marriage which works great for us both. BUT... this is not something that most folks would understand or even be willing to try. We have met many other MOM's (mixed orientation married couples) who are still together and who have found their own solutions to the issues faced.

Some are monogamous, others are in open marriages, and others are some place in between. The main point I hope to impress you with is that this is your life, so live it as you see fit. And if you will be happiest separating then do so, its not a failure and it is no ones fault. But if you find that the person you married is special, and you want to stay married then I encourage you to seek out a support group to help you work through the issues you face.

But be true to yourself.

Case History No. 11

I learned of your website after reading NY Times article "Gay Men Who Marry Women." The article accurately describes the complexity of the issue. I lived it myself. My revelation came after 10 years of marriage and my wife and I struggled for the next 8 years to hold our marriage together. There is an unfortunate perception that gay men hold on to their heterosexual marriages out of selfishness, wanting to 'pass' as straight. Outside observers mistakenly conclude that these men simply want the safety and security of straight marriage while enjoying trysts outside of marriage. Not so. I lived it and have peer counseled hundreds of men who have come to the painful realization that they are bisexual or gay. They all go through a denial phase, all the while wondering, just how deep does the rabbit hole go. It often takes years for them to accept the fact that they are not heterosexual and they begin climbing the Kinsey scale...

Zero for straight,
1 or 2= a little bit bisexual,
3= good grief I'm fully bi,
4= Oh my God I'm hanging to a cliff by my fingernails,
5= I'm gay and will spend eternity in hell;
6= I'm gay and it's okay; there is life after revelation.

That process does not happen overnight. Our sexual identity is fluid and it unfolds from our adolescent years through our mid twenties. Add a few years to that scenario if you lived a life repressing your true feelings. Some days you think you're a 2 on the scale and a week later you're a 5, and a few weeks later you convince yourself it's just a bad dream and you're a 1 again. No one just wakes up and decides "I'm going to quit the straight life and go get a gay life." It's a protracted painful and terrifying process.

My shrink told me that our sexuality is like one thread in a fabric which is our personality. But the moment you start pulling at it, the fabric unravels - a personality disintegration. That's a terrifying prospect in your 30's- tear yourself to shreds and re-weave your personality fabric with new threads. It's also terrifying because bisexual/gay married men know if they acknowledge the problem, (being married and in love with the wrong gender) they might actually be forced to make a decision they desperately don't want to make. Most married gay men eventually come out to their wife. It becomes an undeniable truth and the struggle to hold the marriage intact requires the couple to make accomodations or quit the marriage. Many choose to try various methods of accommodation but the vast majority of these accommodations don't work and the marriages fail.

In the early phases, gay married men try to compartmentalize things: their love stays with the wife, while they try to satisfy their sexual needs through anonymous encounters or monogamous sexual friendships. But anonymous encounters are like a cocaine high. As soon as you come down off the high, there is depression and emptiness that can only be displaced by another encounter. Quantity is no substitute for quality. Eventually, they make an emotional connection with someone and the event is transforming. Perhaps for the first time in their life they experience the infatuation, the yearning, an emotionally fulfilling and sexual relationship - like it was meant to be. As the Bible puts it "And it came to pass, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul."

In my own case, I learned that my need for another man was not just some sexual need that could be compartmentalized. It was an emotional need that my wife was never going to be able to fill. I had no right expecting her to do that or accommodate it, it was my problem. I am created as I am and I was hijacked into a straight life and continued down that path through arrogance, ignorance, denial and vanity. I went down the wrong road and it was hurting me, my wife, my kids, and every guy that would want to love me. Only I could solve the problem and stop the hurt. Allowing the charade to continue would be insane. She deserved better and so did I. However, she and I had this problem: we both still loved each other very much. We were high school sweet hearts. We were married for 18 years and had 2 great kids. We were best friends and confidants. She did not want me to leave, I was the love of her life; and yet the source of so much pain for her.

Balancing the two worlds is a feat very few can achieve. He often winds up cheating everyone involved including himself. A life half-lived is no life worth living. On Christmas Eve, who does he disappoint and hurt, the wife or the lover? Who gets to wait in the wings hoping he'll find the time to be with them? I'm was not willing to do that to anyone so I had to make a choice. I could turn my back on my own needs and never be with another man. But then I would grow to resent the choice and I would eventually view my marriage as a prison with my wife as warden. I could not do that to her or my kids. I knew the odds of making the double life thing work for everyone - slim and none. Neither my wife nor I had the courage to end it. The pain of leaving someone you still love is the pain of having flesh torn from your body. It's got to be worse than childbirth because the memory of that pain subsides in a few days. The pain of walking away from someone you love doesn't go away. You never forget it. Some guys don't make the transition. Some commit suicide, some drown themselves in alcohol or drugs to kill the pain. Some discover they waited too long and life has passed them by. But many of us survive and find someone to love and be loved. I was fortunate and though my first gay love did not work out, I knew I made the right decision and went on living. I came "out" in a big way. I joined a gay rights group and eventually became President. I met politicians and leaders I otherwise would have never met e.g. Rosa Parks, Doug Frasier, Lee Lococa. I got involved with AIDS issues as well and in 1984 the Detroit City Council presented me with the "Spirit of Detroit Award" for civic duty. I met lots of wonderful people and I met a guy who I've now been with for 13 years. I'm glad I got off the wrong road. It was tough and painful but I am so much richer for it. I know many of your readers feel that revelation will be the destruction of them, but it's not so - not unless they choose destruction over living.

Some years after my divorce I had occasion to refer a bi-married acquaintance to my former shrink. I hadn't spoken to him in a few years and he asked - hindsight being 20/20 - how was I adjusting, how did I feel about the outcome. My response was this: "I've lived two very different lives and I've had two people love me to the core of my existence. How many people do you know that have that kind of fortune in life?"

Doug Dittmer

Case History No. 12

I am an "out" single man in my late 20's, involved with a mostly closeted married man. I wish I had realized before I fell for him all the complications of loving someone that is married. I can't believe how many parallels I see on your site with my guy's situation. This is my third substantial relationship, I have always been gay. But it was his first.

My guy and I met a few years ago. We met on a job site but we worked for different companies. Although he had random and meaningless encounters with men from time to time, he considered himself straight. From the first day we met he frequently spoke of being very unhappy in his marriage, and wanting to leave her. His wife has substance abuse and mental illness issues.

I never intended on developing an intimate relationship with him, it just happened. A deep friendship developed quickly, and after a few months, he and I went on a four day backpacking trip and fell intensely in love. We made love like neither of us had ever experienced. This was so intense, we became best of friends, best of lovers. This really shook his world, as he began to realize he was gay and he couldn't ever go back to life as it was.

He promised to leave her, but there never seemed to be a "right" time. I have to admit I really began to push on him; it is very hard to lie in bed alone at night wondering where your life is going and know that the outcome is dependent on someone else's issues. After a year of this, I gave him an ultimatum and he moved in with me. They legally separated, but he did not want to file for divorce and "hurt her in her condition".

At present, some of his children are living with us. I do my best to help him make a home and make them comfortable and loved, but they are difficult and still hurting themselves. I have been patient knowing he has so many issues to deal with at once.

Although he loves me, I can see he regrets the demise of his marriage. His regret hurts me, after all he told me that he was so bitterly unhappy from the very beginning. His wife still interferes constantly, manipulatively holding him hostage with her "illness", his guilt, and the children. He drops everything whenever she "needs" anything, even if that means running to her every holiday or in the middle of the night.

I have sacrificed a lot for him, waiting for the day we will finally have our own life together. But I'm beginning to feel a lot of resentment, and I'm tired of being last. I don't know if there is a future here, or if anything is ever going to be different. I feel stuck, I can't imagine life without him, but living with him under the circumstances is tearing me up.

I thought you or some of your readers might like to hear my side of the story, the story of "the other person."

Case History No. 13

This is not the usual story but I thought I'd share it. My daughter who is in in her late twenties married her best friend a few years ago. I was raised in a big city with liberal parents who were gay friendly (for want of a better term) and raised my children to be so. I think many of the kids in this younger generation are way different to my baby boomer generation and accept any person's sexual orientation.

The husband is very openly gay and he and my daughter have been best friends since 7th grade. They shared a house with other people in college and lived as roommates ever since (about 10 years). Both of them moved to the city last year and they both have boyfriends!
Two years ago my daughter and her friend came to me and said they love each other very much and felt committed and wanted to marry. At the time of their marriage one needed a tax break and the other needed insurance. Well I thought that was a bit deceptive, and didn't think they were taking marriage seriously although they said it was mainly for love.

I gave them my blessings, although I was a bit sceptical. Well, they have since changed jobs and they no longer are married out of "need" for taxes or insurance. I realize that they really have a deep love and friendship without sex and they have always supported each other. Their significant others understand and everyone who knows them think they are "soul mates"- kind of quirky, creative, intellectuals. They are very protective of each other and yet it's not really a brother sister type bond exactly.

I love my son-in -law and have known him since he was a kid. My boyfriend thinks it's strange but he's ok with it. However some of my friends don't approve and although I don't talk about it, I don't hide the fact that my daughter is married.

I guess I feel that marriage isn't only about sex. Maybe someday, each of them will marry in a traditional sense (in my son in law's case if they allow same sex marriages) but I feel that the couple represent a new attitude and their peers, who I'll admit are fairly progressive, seem to judge people for who they are and not their sexual or gender orientation. What I see is two people who as my daughter puts it "live together, rarely fight and are happy in each other's company which is more than I can say for most couples". Recently they got so busy with their lovers and their jobs and friends that they had to schedule a few "date nights"!

So I know this situation isn't the same as other case histories but it shows that marriage is a complicated process, which involves love and commitment, not necessarily sex.

You can find other case histories if you go to the Questionnaire response pages. They are as written by those responding, without editing (except in one or two extreme cases where the language is too strong).