If only I were not gay ......
This is the cry of many a gay man who feels that nature has dealt him a cruel blow. I suspect that there are few gay or bisexual men who would not prefer to be 'normal', whatever that may be.
Being not gay would mean that I could share heterosexual thoughts and jokes with my friends and not be looked upon as some sort of freak if I were to reveal my innermost secrets. I could enjoy the sight of a pretty woman walking down the street. I would not have to pretend anymore.
As a married man, I would not have to pretend to my wife that I was 'normal' and had no interest in that cute young man walking down the street, whom I have been watching for the last five minutes. I would not have to cruise places were I can meet other men with the same inclination as myself, and run the risks associated with that. I would not have to cruise the internet, advertising for like minded men to meet by arrangement, again running the risks associated with that. I would not have to look for a regular boyfriend or boyfriends on the side whom I could meet periodically to maintain my sanity and to fulfil my innermost needs.
But I am gay, and I am married and I have children, and none of these reduce my gayness, other than temporarily. And I feel guilt towards my wife, for having deceived her when we married, when I genuinely though that I had changed from homosexual to heterosexual, to be with this woman whom I love, and who is also my closest friend, and yet cannot give me all that I need. I had no intent to deceive her or to hurt her - I thought it had gone away for ever.
But it hadn't gone away - it is still there, albeit for a while suppressed in the deepest recesses of my mind.
Homosexuality is wrong ......
There are those who say that homosexuality is wrong, and that homosexuals should not practice their homosexuality. All homosexuals should abstain. Many of the regligious groups take this view and will only accept homosexuals as bishops, even when they are in a relationship, if they abstain from the sexual act.
It is fine to say that homosexuality is wrong, if you are not a homosexual. We are what we are - I earnestly believe that in the debate of "nature versus nurture", nature has the greatest influence, and that we are mostly born that way. We do not have a choice.
I believe that abstinance can cause depression and worse to occur - that as living beings, we have as much need to have sexual fulfilment as the next man.
The fact is that I am gay, I am married (whether I should have married or not) and I have to make the best of the situation I am in, without hurting too much my loved ones, and yet at the same time, meeting my innermost needs.
How do I do that?
Well that is where I do have a choice. It may not be easy, but I do have a choice.