Journey of Life
One thing that many married gay men notice through their life is that they have lived through various stages, changing with them.
The following scenario describes stages that are purely arbitrary. There will be many variations on the theme, but just how many reading this can associate with these?
Stage 1 - Discovery of their sexuality - often around their early teens - dreaming of boys, not girls - definitely gay but not wanting to be.
Stage 2 - Abstention from any sex during their 20s - too frightened to do anything with men or women (don't really fancy women) - this period can vary considerably from or two years to a lot of years.
Stage 3 - Meeting their wife in their 30s (the person they love as a friend and as the mother of their children) and 10 - 20 years of being totally faithful to her, although of course they have the odd gay thought along the way, more often than they care to admit.
Stage 4 -Regression to active homosexuality in their 40s and 50s (sometimes earlier, sometimes later), as a result of various triggers and likely to continue as a practising homosexual through to the end of their lives, since they consider themselves to be totally gay, and have come to terms with it.
Stage 4 can be split down further into phases, although through out this stage, most men in this situation seem to continue to love their wives and their family, and do not wish to break the marriage up:
Phase 4.1 - Continuing in marriage and discovering men, and meeting a lot of them over a very short period, perhaps 100 men in 18 months - not very proud of it. This is a bit like opening "Pandora's Box" but not being able to close it again - having a taste for meeting men and enjoying it. This is a form of madness which seems to affect even otherwise seemingly honourable, kind and loving men.
Phase 4.2 - Coming out to their wife and all that entails, as a result of the need not to put her at risk of STDs etc. Also there is a fear that she might have realized that things have changed. Wanting to shout from the rooftops that they are GAY!!! But discouraged from doing it by their wife. Many men experience a weight coming off their shoulders when the tell their wife the truth about themselves.
Phase 4.3 - Continuing in marriage and meeting and loving their first boyfriend, discovering love as it has never been experienced before.
Phase 4.4 - Continuing in marriage but breaking up with their first boyfriend, and reverting to lots of men though not quite as many as before.
Phase 4.5 - Continuing in marriage and meeting and loving another boyfriend - perhaps less of a threat on their marriage this time as the love is not quite so strong. Somehow continued with their wife's knowledge - but not feeling comfortable with living the two lives, although giving some stability.
Phase 4.6 -Continuing in marriage but breaking up with boyfriend and grieving over him - not meeting any other men during that period of grievance, other than perhaps meeting the ex-boyfriend as a friend - experiencing constant swings from wanting to stay a married man, to wanting to live with a man for the rest of their life.
Phase 4.7 - Realizing that it is not fair on themselves or their wife to continue the marriage. The fear one day that they will feel trapped and resent being married. Agreeing to separate and to continue as best friends.
Phase 4.8 - Separating - but where do they go from here? Find the man of their dreams? Who knows?
Whatever the outcome, there will be other thoughts, relief, regret, a sense of guilt and so on.