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Purchases from A Different Light Bookstore through this site help to maintain this site. | | These Results summarise responses from Men about Themselves, and from Women about their Men Access to full results  The chart presents a summary of returns at 8th February 2008, showing the numbers of returns for each Kinsey number (assessed now), as returned by men, and by women over the survey period from 30th September 2005.
Pass the cursor over the chart and you will get the number of returns approximately a year earlier. If you have not already filled in your Questionnaire, it is not too late! Just go to the Questionnaire entry pages - see the top of this page. The questionnaires are open to all men and all women regardless of sexuality. The responses are directed towards knowledge of both the male and the female. The spectrum of Kinsey numbers from the responses is important as it shows a bias towards the gay end - this is to be expected as more people with gay tendencies (or their spouses) are likely to search for and discover this website and to respond to the questionnaires. Although we have barely sufficient responses across the entire spectrum of the Kinsey Scale, we are reviewing the results for each Kinsey number to determine whether there are significant differences in situation and behaviour. Kinsey estimated that 46% of the male population had engaged in both heterosexual and homosexual activities, or "reacted to" persons of both sexes, in the course of their adult lives. 11.6% of white males (ages 20-35) were given a rating of 3 on the Kinsey Scale. Reviewing the results up to 8th February 2008, there were 182 men at a rating of 3 out of the 1285 who declared their Kinsey number (14%). There were 95 women out of 759 who declared their husband's/partner's rating at 3 (13%). These compare reasonably closely with the Kinsey findings. 
Where are they from? Before anyone panics, we have no means of knowing who people are who have contributed to the questionnaires, but we do have an indication of their approximate whereabouts in the world in some cases. These have been presented as percentages of the total (973) for men about themselves (as of 22nd June 2007) and of the total (574) for women about their men: Men about themselves: | United States - 68.7% | | United Kingdom - 16.5% | | Canada - 4.7% | | Australia - 3.3% | | Germany - 0.5% | | New Zealand - 0.5% |
| | South Africa - 0.5% | | Netherlands - 0.4% | | France - 0.4% | | India - 0.4% | | United Arab Emirates - 0.3% |
| Women about their men: | United States - 78.9% | | United Kingdom - 7.7% | | Canada - 4.7% | | Australia - 4.0% | | India - 0.9% | | Ireland - 0.5% |
| | New Zealand - 0.5% | | France - 0.4% | | Philippines - 0.4% |
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Other contributions have been received from Algeria, Belgium, Brazil, China, Costa Rica, Greece, Grenada, Hong Kong, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Lebanon, Malaysia, Mexico, Namibia, Nigeria, Norway, Portugal, Romania, Singapore, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Uganda, Uruguay and Venezuela. It can be seen from the above that at least two thirds are the contributors are from the United States, followed by the United Kingdom, Canada and Australia. However contributions have been received from more than 30 different countries. | To skip the discussion and go to the responses, click here | Discussion | Jump to: | Numbers of Responses Response Ranges in Age Their Marital Status Why did they marry? His Girlfriends and Discovery of Sexuality and Age at Marriage Her Boyfriends and His and Her Ages at Marriage, Happiness and Love Her knowledge of His Sexuality before Marriage Is She Happy?
| About His Sexuality His Sexuality Change Could He love a Man? His Extra Marital Activity Safe Sex Histories The Future |
Men's responses about Themselves | Women's responses about their Men | Numbers of Responses | By 8th September 2007, some 2 years after first publication, there had been the following numbers of returns: | | Men - 1071 returns (1064 declared a Kinsey number) |
| | Women - 631 returns (628 declared a Kinsey number for their husband / partner) |
| Significant numbers under each Kinsey number have been achieved. Feelings / emotions have yet to be reviewed. | | All Kinsey numbers are represented but the majority are 4s and 5s, the 5s hitting the highest score. |
| | All Kinsey numbers are represented but the majority are 5s and 6s, the 6s hitting the highest score. |
| These results suggest that the women view their husbands / partners as being further up the Kinsey scale than the men. In the men's responses, an additional number has been included (7) which is not on the original Kinsey scale. This was defined as "None of these". Several men have classified themselves as 7. There could be several reasons for this but some of the likely ones are: | They do not consider themselves to fit within the scale | | They have not as yet come to terms with their sexuality or do not wish to accept their actual sexuality. |
The 7s represent a small percentage of the overall return (2%). | Response Ranges in Age | | Men's ages range from 18 - 90 distributed as follows:  | 18 - 29 years - 82 (7.86%) | | 30 - 39 years - 230 (22.05%) | | 40 - 49 years - 356 (34.13%) | | 50 - 59 years - 261 (25.02%) | | 60 - 69 years - 92 (8.82%) | | 70 - 79 years - 19 (1.82%) | | 80 - 89 years - 2 (0.19%) | | 90 - 99 years - 1 (0.10%) |
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Declared by 1043 men | | Women's ages range from 18 - 72 distributed as follows: | 18 - 29 years - 82 (13.18%) | | 30 - 39 years - 172 (27.65%) | | 40 - 49 years - 239 (38.42%) | | 50 - 59 years - 109 (17.52%) | | 60 - 69 years - 17 (2.73%) | | 70 - 79 years - 3 (0.48%) | | 80 - 89 years - 0 (0%) |
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Declared by 622 women | | Men's ages range from 19 - 75 distributed as follows: | 18 - 29 years - 57 (9.28%) | | 30 - 39 years - 165 (26.87%) | | 40 - 49 years - 231 (37.62%) | | 50 - 59 years - 120 (19.54%) | | 60 - 69 years - 37 (6.03%) | | 70 - 79 years - 4 (0.65%) | | 80 - 89 years - 0 (0%) |
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Declared by 614 women | 
This chart shows the age ranges graphically. The age range to have the greatest number of responses is that from 40 - 49 years, as reported by both men and women. Speculating, this may be because 40 - 49 years is the period when problems in many marriages start to come to the surface, 10 to 20 years after the start of a marriage. Return to start of discussion | Their Marital Status | Men's responses: | Unmarried - 41 (3.85%) | | Married - 846 (79.51%) | | Separated - 59 (5.55%) | | Divorced - 63 (5.92%) | | Widowed - 19 (1.79%) | | Other - 33 (3.10%) - probably in the process of separating or divorce, or they just do not feel that they are any longer married | | Not declared - 3 (0.28%) | | Total -1064 |
| Women's responses: | Unmarried - 29 (4.62%) | | Married - 422 (67.20%) | | Separated - 79 (12.58%) | | Divorced - 65 (10.35%) | | Widowed - 6 (0.96%) | | Other - 26 (4.14%) - probably in the process of separating or divorce | | Not declared - 1 (0.16%) | | Total - 628 |
| As might be expected, the largest group represented here is that which is married. Return to start of discussion | Why did they Marry? | Men's responses (out of 1065 responses): | Met and fell in love with her - 569 (53.43%) | | Best friend - 294 (27.61%) | | Did not want to be alone - 183 (17.18%) | | Wanted to hide sexuality - 112 (10.52%) | | None of these reasons - 71 (6.62%) | | Declined to answer - 15 (1.41%) |
| Women's responses (out of 628 responses): | Met and fell in love with him - 457 (72.77%) | | Best friend - 144 (22.93%) | | Did not want to be alone - 45 (7.17%) | | Wanted to hide sexuality - not relevant here | | None of these reasons - 51 (8.12%) | | Declined to answer - 7 (1.11%) |
| The majority of men and women who have responded so far have married for love, with "best friend" coming second. A greater percentage of women married for love than men. A greater percentage of men married their best friend, than women. 17% of men and 7% of women married because they did not want to be alone. About 11% of men wanted to hide their sexuality. The following Chart shows the men's reasons for marrying, percentages split according to Kinsey number: 
Pass the cursor over the chart and you will get an earlier result for 2nd April 2006 Although the numbers of responses populating each Kinsey number are more significant than they were, and although Kinsey 0 is probably the least significant with 17 responses, some trends are nevertheless in evidence. | Met and fell in love: there are higher percentages in the Kinsey range 0 to 3 | | Best friend: There is more evidence of this in the Kinsey range 3 to 5 | | Did not want to be alone: This seemed to be highest for Kinsey number 0 and for the Kinsey range 4 to 6 (this trend has not changed with additional responses) | | Wanted to hide sexuality: This predictably is more evident on the homosexual side of the Kinsey Scale (2 upwards), peaking with Kinsey 6 | | None of these: This was fairly evenly spread across the whole of the Kinsey Scale. The low results (6% of total) of this catch all question suggest that there were no other major reasons for marrying. | | Declined to say: This has been added for completeness but represents over all less than 2%. |
| The following Chart shows the women's reasons for marrying, percentages split according to their husband's Kinsey number now: 
Pass the cursor over the chart and you will get an earlier result for 2nd April 2006 As with the men's responses, the women's responses under Kinsey number 0 is not very significant, and therefore the reliability of these results is low. | It is clear that the major reason for the women to marry is love (over 70% of women said this). | | The best friend reason is the next significant reason but there is no particular trend across the Kinsey scale. | | The other reasons feature rather less. | | Declined to say: This has been added for completeness but represents about 1%. |
| An overview of the reasons why men and women marry, regardless of the man's sexuality, suggests that "Love" is by far the most significant ingredient in marriage. "Best friend" features second, but is significantly less, other than for men at Kinsey 4 and above when it becomes more significant, but never overtakes "Love". Return to start of discussion Beyond this point, results relate to an assessment undertaken on 2nd April 2006. | His Girlfriends and His Discovery of Sexuality and Age at Marriage | The following is a summary of the responses for men who are married, separated, divorced or widowed, by Kinsey number for numbers of girlfriends, discovery of sexuality and age when married: His Kinsey Number now | His Average number of Girlfriends | When you think you first discovered your sexuality? | His age at Marriage yrs | No of Responses | 0 | 1 to 5 (avg. 3.0) | Younger than 10 years (27%) 10-14 years (45%) 15-20 years (18%) 31-40 years (10%) | 19 to 47 (avg. 29.0) | 11 | 1 | 2 to 60 (avg. 9.2) | Younger than 10 years (17%) 10-14 years (22%) 15-20 years (33%) 21-30 years (11%) 31-40 years (6%) Over 40 years (11%) | 22 to 36 (avg. 26.4) | 18 | 2 | 1 to 30 (avg. 8.1) | Younger than 10 years (6%) 10-14 years (40%) 15-20 years (30%) 21-30 years (13%) 31-40 years (9%) Over 40 years (2%) | 21 to 49 (avg. 27.3) | 53 | 3 | 1 to 40 (avg. 8.0) | Younger than 10 years (15%) 10-14 years (39%) 15-20 years (24%) 21-30 years (9%) 31-40 years (9%) Over 40 years (4%) | 20 to 42 (avg. 27.5) | 46 | 4 | 1 to 30 (avg. 3.9) | Younger than 10 years (14%) 10-14 years (49%) 15-20 years (19%) 21-30 years (9%) 31-40 years (4%) Over 40 years (5%) | 20 to 44 (avg. 26.6) | 79 | 5 | 1 to 20 (avg. 3.0) | Younger than 10 years (%) 10-14 years (%) 15-20 years (%) 21-30 years (%) 31-40 years (%) Over 40 years (%) | 21 to 39 (avg. 26.0) | 92 | 6 | 1 to 10 (avg. 2.4) | Younger than 10 years (29%) 10-14 years (38%) 15-20 years (21%) 21-30 years (8%) 31-40 years (4%) | 19 to 40 (avg. 25.2) | 24 | | | | | | 323 |
Girlfriends - those with Kinsey numbers of 1 to 3 seem to have had more girlfriends than the others. Some doubt should be cast, however, over the relatively high upper figures above say 10 or 20 or 30. Were these girlfriends or casual sexual partners? The following chart shows variations in ages of Discovery of Sexuality: 
Pass the cursor over the chart and you will get the earlier result for 30th January 2006 The results for Kinsey numbers 0 and 1 are probably too few to be meaningful but the remaining results show some trends. For instance, the higher the Kinsey number, the more likely is a man to discover his sexuality before the age 14, with some discovering it before they are 10. Return to start of discussion | Her Boyfriends, His and Her Age at Marriage, Happiness and Love | The following is a summary of the responses for women who are married, separated, divorced or widowed, by her husband's Kinsey number: His Kinsey Number now | His Kinsey Number originally | Her Number of Boyfriends | Her Age at Marriage | His Age at Marriage | Is she happy? | She loves him? | He loves her? | No of Responses | 0 | 0 to 2 | 2 to 4 (avg. 2.8) | 19 to 44 (avg. 26.3) | 21 to 47 (avg. 26.3) | Yes (33%) Not sure (50%) No (17%) | Yes (67%) Not sure (33%) No (0%) | Yes (67%) Not sure (16%) No (17%) | 6 | 1 | 0 to 5 (avg. 1.5) | 2 to 12 (avg. 6.1) | 18 to 38 (avg. 25.3) | 21 to 35 (avg. 28.1) | Yes (47%) Not sure (47%) No (6%) | Yes (94%) Not sure (6%) No (0%) | Yes (73%) Not sure (20%) Not disclosed (7%) | 15 | 2 | 0 to 3 (avg. 0.9) | 1 to 20 (avg. 6.4) | 18 to 52 (avg. 28.8) | 19 to 52 (avg. 29.4) | Yes (33%) Not sure (39%) No (25%) Not disclosed (3%) | Yes (83%) Not sure (14%) No (3%) | Yes (72%) Not sure (22%) No (3%) Not disclosed (3%) | 36 | 3 | 0 to 3 (avg. 1.4) | 1 to 50 (avg. 7.2) | 19 to 46 (avg. 26.5) | 19 to 41 (avg. 27.4) | Yes (36%) Not sure (28%) No (36%) | Yes (68%) Not sure (14%) No (14%) Not disclosed (4%) | Yes (73%) Not sure (18%) No (5%) Not disclosed (4%) | 22 | 4 | 0 to 4 (avg. 1.3) | 1 to 15 (avg. 5.0) | 21 to 51 (avg. 27.9) | 21 to 69 (avg. 30.3) | Yes (34%) Not sure (25%) No (32%) Not disclosed (9%) | Yes (80%) Not sure (11%) No (5%) Not disclosed (4%) | Yes (64%) Not sure (25%) No (7%) Not disclosed (4%) | 44 | 5 | 0 to 5 (avg. 1.6) | 1 to 50 (avg. 5.7) | 18 to 39 (avg. 26.0) | 19 to 54 (avg. 27.2) | Yes (26%) Not sure (26%) No (39%) Not disclosed (4%) | Yes (67%) Not sure (21%) No (10%) Not disclosed (2%) | Yes (52%) Not sure (38%) No (8%) Not disclosed (2%) | 61 | 6 | 0 to 6 (avg. 2.9) | 1 to 20 (avg. 5.8) | 19 to 54 (avg. 26.4) | 20 to 48 (avg.27.1) | Yes (15%) Not sure (26%) No (51%) Not disclosed (8%) | Yes (59%) Not sure (14%) No (25%) Not disclosed (22%) | Yes (49%) Not sure (30%) No (18%) Not disclosed (3%) | 73 | | | | | | | | | | 257 |
Almost all wives reported some change in the perceived sexuality of their husbands, normally towards the homosexual end of the scale, although one wife did report her husband's sexuality becoming more heterosexual, possibly because of the lifestyle he was having to keep. There is more discussion on this below. Return to start of discussion | Her Knowledge of His Sexuality Before Marriage | New questions were introduced into the Women's Questionnaire on 16th February 2006 concerning a wife's knowledge of her husband's sexuality and how that knowledge might have affected her decision to marry. For this section of the review, only responses on or after 16th February 2006 have been considered. | In the sample reviewed, there were 122 married, separated, divorced or widowed women | | Knowledge of the husband's sexuality: | Knew that he was gay or bisexual before or after marriage - 64 (52%)  | Those who knew about their husband's sexuality before marriage probably amounted to less than 15% | | The remaining 85% or more discovered after marriage | | This split is based on information gathered over the whole period of the questionnaires, not just since 16th February 2006. |
| | Not sure about his sexuality - 22 (18%) | | Did not know about his sexuality - 32 (26%) |
| | Expectation of change with marriage: | Those who expected his sexuality to change - 14 (11%) | | Those who did not expect his sexuality to change - 34 (28%) | | No thought about it - 14 (11%) | | Response not given - 60 (49%) |
| | Would they have still married? | Those who would still have married - 19 (16%) | | Those who would not have married - 80 (66%) | | Response not given - 23 (19%) |
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The responses suggest that over 65% of wives, having knowledge of their husband's gay or bisexuality before marriage, would not have married him. Only 16% would have definitely done so. Responses to expectations in sexuality change with marriage are inconclusive and it is suspect that for the majority, no consideration would have been given to this. Only 11% thought that their husbands might change. Return to start of discussion | "Is She Happy?" | The following chart shows answers to the question "Is she happy?" for each of the husband's Kinsey numbers now: 
Pass the cursor over the chart and you will get the earlier result for 30th January 2006 This suggests that no more than 50% of the women responding to the Questionnaire were happy, but that for higher Kinsey numbers, there is a progressive decline in happiness and an increasing unhappiness. For lower Kinsey numbers, there are probably too few responses to be significant. Reviewing how much the wives felt they loved their husbands, and how much their husbands loved them, in most cases: | Over 70% of wives stated that they loved their husbands - this was fairly independent of the sexuality of the husband | | Overall, 60% of wives thought that their husbands loved them - this ranged from 70% for Kinsey numbers 0 or 1 to 50% for Kinsey numbers 5 or 6, suggesting a steady decline over the Kinsey scale. | | Similar questions were missing from the men's questionnaire but have now been included. |
Return to start of discussion | About his Sexuality | Does his wife know? (278 with current married status) | Yes - 119 (43%) | | No - 151 (54%) | | Nothing to tell - 3 (1%) | | Not applicable - 4 (2%) |
| Is she aware of his full sexuality? (175 with current married status) | Yes - 97 (55%) | | Not sure - 49 (28%) | | No - 28 (16%) | | Not stated - 1 (1%) |
| If no, will he tell her? | Yes, one day - 19 (13%) | | No, never - 49 (32%) | | I do not know - 80 (53%) | | Not applicable - 2 (1%) |
| Has she ever asked for the truth? | Yes - 151 (86%) | | No - 11 (6%) | | Prefer not to know - 2 (2%) | | Not applicable - 11 (6%) |
How much has he told her (if she has asked for the truth) | Everything - 68 (45%) | | Something - 59 (39%) | | Nothing - 21 (14%) | | Not stated - 3 (2%) |
| The majority of men do not think their wives are aware of their full sexuality. 32% say they will never divulge the full truth, and 53% say they do not know whether they will divulge in the future. The majority of wives (55%) think they know their husband's full sexuality, and 28% are not sure. Most have asked for the truth, and 45% think they have it. One of the issues that has been raised by several wives is the importance of honesty in the relationship. Complete honesty can save a lot of pain and anger. More women than men think they know the truth about their husbands. Kinsey reported that: | 10% of males in his sample were predominantly homosexual between the ages of 16 and 55 | | 8% of males were exclusively homosexual for at least three years between the ages of 16 and 55 | | 4% of white males had been exclusively homosexual after the onset of adolescence up to the time of their interviews. |
Return to start of discussion | His Sexuality Change | Men's responses: | Sexuality change: | 129 (36%) said that their sexuality had changed | | 67 (19%) said that they thought their sexuality had possibly changed |
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| Women's responses: | Sexuality change: | 232 (82%) thought that their husband's sexuality had changed during the time they had known them, often by a considerable amount. | | 222 (78%) thought they had more homosexual | | 10 (4%) thought they had become more heterosexual |
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| This is interesting because if we start with the hypothesis that sexuality does not change, the apparent change in sexuality of people is probably as a result of changes of circumstances around them - for instance, if a person is gay but does not want to admit it or even accept it, he will do his utmost to behave in a less gay manner until he feels less threatened. Women apparently see greater change in the sexuality of their men than the men themselves, normally with a trend towards being more predominantly homosexual. A minority of women reported their husbands becoming more predominantly heterosexual. Their reasons for this included: | He never went out alone, only with his wife | | He was seeking something else because the marriage was in a shambles | | He sought to be healed and found his likes and dislikes changing | | He has become more honest | | His love for his wife | | He became tired of phoney relationships. |
Is "perceived" sexuality to do with "opportunity"? Return to start of discussion | Could He Love a Man? | Out of the 361 responses from men, the answers were: | Never - 98 (27%) | | It is something that could happen - 93 (26%) | | Yes - 167 (46%) | | Not revealed - 3 (1%) |
| Out of 283 responses from women, the answers were: | Never - 43 (15%) | | It is something that could happen - 42 (15%) | | Yes - 75 (27%) | | Don't know - 121 (43%) | | Not stated - 2 (0%) |
| Reviewing the Men's responses by Kinsey number: 
Pass the cursor over the chart and you will get the earlier result for 30th January 2006 Not surprisingly, splitting the responses into the various Kinsey numbers, shows a progressive acceptance that the responders could love another man, although 1 person under Kinsey 0 responded that it could happen. This particular person is unmarried, in his 40s and perhaps is not entirely certain of his sexuality. He did declare that he could live with a man. Of those men, (married, separated, divorced, widowed) who had confessed to extra-marital activity, partner preferences were as follows, by Kinsey number: Kinsey Number | Women only | Men and Women | Men only | Not Declared | Confessions to Extramarital Activity | No of Responses | 0 | 5 (100%) | 0 (0%) | 0 (0%) | 0 (0%) | 5 (45%) | 5 | 1 | 4 (33%) | 1 (8%) | 6 (50%) | 1 (9%) | 12 (67%) | 14 | 2 | 2 (5%) | 14 (33%) | 20 (46%) | 7 (16%) | 43 (81%) | 45 | 3 | 0 (0%) | 10 (30%) | 17 (52%) | 6 (18%) | 33 (71%) | 37 | 4 | 1 (1%) | 9 (13%) | 50 (72%) | 10 (14%) | 70 (89%) | 63 | 5 | 1 (1%) | 5 (6%) | 55 (68%) | 20 (25%) | 81 (89%) | 62 | 6 | 0 (0%) | 0 (0%) | 15 (88%) | 2 (12%) | 17 (71%) | 21 | Total | 13 | 39 | 163 | 46 | 261 (81%) | 323 |
The above table ignores those who did not declare their Kinsey number (9 in total). The partner preferences are shown in chart form below: 
Pass the cursor over the chart and you will get the earlier result for 30th January 2006 The samples for Kinsey numbers 0, 1 and 6 are not significant compared to the other samples and therefore not as reliable. Nevertheless the overall picture is that the responses do bear out what might be expected, those with Kinsey 0 having a preference for women only, those with Kinsey 6 having a preference for men only. In between is less clear but there is a strong preference for men only from those who have responded. Return to start of discussion | His Extra Marital Activity | Men's responses: | Extra marital activity - 228 currently married men (82%) admitted to having extra marital activity (excludes separated, divorced and widowed men). Of these, | 122 (54%) say their wife does not know | | 31 (14%) say their wife may suspect | | 75 (33%) say their wife does know |
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| Women's responses: | Extra marital activity - 118 women (67%) thought or suspected that their husbands / partners had had extra marital activity. Of these, | 20 (17%) say they do not know for sure | | 18 (15%) say they suspect | | 77 (65%) say they know for sure. |
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| There are major differences between what a man thinks and what a wife suspects or knows for sure. 33% of men say that their wife knows for sure, 65% of women say they know for sure. Both agree that a high percentage of men engage or are suspected of engaging in extra marital activities. Kinsey estimated that approximately 50% of all married males had had some extramarital experience at some time during their married lives. The figure for women having extramarital sex was 26%. | 
Pass the cursor over the chart and you will get the most recent update A further analysis of the returns on Extra-marital Activity (received up to 6th June 2006) shows some correlation between activity and length of marriage. In particular, as might be expected, the longer the period of the marriage, the more likely it is for a person to have been active outside the marriage, although even within the first 10 years, over 60% appear to have been active. Up to 50 years and beyond show 100% activity, but the samples for these groups are very small. (The overall marriage figures in the chart above show about 78% of all married men being active, whereas the results to 2nd April show about 82%).
Worthy of review is a comparison of Sexual Preferences and Kinsey Numbers. The results represented by the diagram below were as recorded up to October 27th 2007, and are based on the responses of 786 men who had had extra-marital activity. 
In theory, it might be expected that Kinsey 0 men would have a sexual preference for women, no men. Correspondingly, it might be expected that Kinsey 6 men would have a sexual preference for men, no women, and that Kinsey 3 men would have an equal preference for women and men. This is not shown to be the case if we review the diagram above. The peak preference for men and women equally appears to be around Kinsey 2, not Kinsey 3, and over the range Kinsey 0 to 5, some men claimed "women only" while over the range Kinsey 1 to 6, some men claimed "men only". The apparent out of balance of men with equal preference (Kinsey 2 as opposed to Kinsey 3) could suggest that men's views on their sexuality differ from their true sexuality i.e. they are more homosexual than they would care to admit. Between 10 and 20% of respondees across the board did not reveal their preferences. Return to start of discussion | Safe Sex | 
Pass the cursor over the chart and you will get the responses approximately one year earlier. During February 2006, an additional question was asked of the men, "Extra-maritally, do you practice safe sex?". The question was deliberately vague, so as to avoid exploring the precise meaning of "Safe Sex", which is subject to debate. It could be argued that there is no such thing as "Safe Sex" other than total abstinence. We were looking here for the person's intent. Of the 727 responses received as of 8th February 2008 (several did not respond to the question), the break down was as follows: | Always - 403 (55%) | | Sometimes - 231 (32%) | | Never - 61 (8%) | | Not declared - 32 (5%) |
These results suggest that only 55% of the men responding to this questionnaire do, in their opinion, always practice "safe sex". Therefore, it should be assumed that 45% are not to be considered safe. The implication is that no wife should consider herself safe if she continues to be intimate with her husband, knowing or suspecting that he is participating in extra-marital sex. Under such circumstances, both partners should be having themselves tested for sexually transmitted diseases on a regular basis. Return to start of discussion | Histories | | The histories written by contributors to the questionnaires are many and varied, as one might expect. One cannot hope to present a full picture here but I have attempted to represent some of the more typical histories presented. There is of course a lot of repetition but I have tried to keep this to a minimum and have tried to edit them a little. The full texts can be found in the Responses pages. The edited responses here are according to his Kinsey Number (now). | Kinsey 0 | Wife is the gay one - they are divorcing | | Seemed to be attracted to lesbian women - probably felt safe to him | | Thought marriage was strong until wife revealed her bisexuality |
| Kinsey 0 | I had two boyfriends before him but really love this guy - more than I can ever imagine | | He went to heal himself but found in the end that his likes and dislikes were changing without any control or desires on his part | | Several entries in this section have been entered as Kinsey 0 but they are evidently relating to husbands who are gay |
| Kinsey 1 | Had some homosexual activity as a young man at university | | Always appreciative and attracted by the male body but never ever considered any activity until into his 30s | | Happily married to a wonderful woman with wonderful kids - just need a little extra and slightly different from time to time | | Wanted a man for a long time - attracted to swinger lifestyle | | Always attracted to other men but not a continuous feeling - most definitely prefer the company of women - will not do anything intentionally to embarrass family |
| Kinsey 1 | We are both Christians and believe that homosexuality is wrong, although I believe that people are sometimes born with homosexual urges and it becomes a life long struggle not to act on it | | I never knew what a "mama's boy" was until we married several years and moved close enough to his mom that she wanted to be very involved in our lives. I realised all the red flags that were there | | He told me something about his past six weeks after the wedding. My world fell apart. The man I married was not the man I thought I had married. He does not want to talk about it and I feel isolated, angry, hurt. | | I'm feeling as though our whole relationship was a lie. I was living in one marriage and he was in another | | Until I found out, I would never have believed my husband to have had an affair. I feel very insecure and feel like I am being used as a cover up because he couldn't face what people say | | Although we are extremely happy now, we have had our ups and downs with his outside relationships. |
| Kinsey 2 | More attracted to boys than girls in school but wanted the girls as friends and the boys for fun. | | Had a long sexual history with many partners, majority female | | Abused by cousins when young - wife discovered his gay activities but he denied knowledge - wife can't deal with this issue | | Very confused - told his wife who is very angry - has no idea why he told his wife - in process of separating | | Very confused as at 39, should have found sexual identity. Loves wife, loves sex with her but also loves having sex with men | | Turned on by homosexual activity | | Thought about hooking up with another man but deep down know it is not what he desires | | First sexual experience with older woman at age of 15 followed two days later by sex with her boyfriend - both experiences very satisfactory. Religion plays a vital role in his decision not to have extra-marital affairs | | Since marriage, I have had sex with 5 girls and oral sex with approximately 15 men | | I really regret not pursuing my homosexual side - if I could have my time again, I would go with my heart and my head rather than trying to comply | | I have had sex with men throughout my life - it is something I enjoy and look forward to when the opportunity arises - but I love my wife and would never leave her for a man |
| Kinsey 2 | There are very few times that I have ever questioned my husband's sexuality. He is very alfa-male. But when circumstances come to my attention, I question him about them and he gets flustered and angry. I have tried every approach. I am still not sure and maybe I never will be | | From the start, the sex was never right or natural | | When I discovered this on-line activity, I began to doubt if I really knew my husband, although he says there was nothing physically going on, and that the on-line stuff is completely over | | When I found out it was with men, I was scared, hurt and very angry. I finally worked up the courage to tell him what I knew and he denied it all. Then this year, he couldn't deny it when we found out his blood tests | | I want to leave him but am so afraid I might be wrong and will be ruining an otherwise good relationship / marriage | | I tried to be supportive and then got told that I was actually pushing him that direction. Guess there is a fine line between supporting and pushing? | | The most relevant issue now is that I keep a healthy mind and body; I am not playing the blind fool game with my life; chances are I could love again | | I am still suspicious that he would prefer to be having sex with a male when we are having sex! | | He was avidly anti-gay, but sexual preferences were a little odd and gave me pause for thought occasionally over the years | | Since his disclosure, we have discovered that we want to be married to each other in a very loving and sexual union. We are happier than we have ever been. |
| Kinsey 3 | I don't have a problem whether I have sex with a man or a woman | | I have developed at least two distinct selves - one that I present to the community at large, and the one that is my true authentic self | | It seems that when there are problems at home, that is when my gay feelings are strongest | | The dichotomy of my sexuality can in one sense seem very logical and in another, totally insane | | My attraction to men is mainly physical - I have no romantic or even deeply emotional desires | | My biggest revelation is learning that being bi or gay is not really a big deal - I know God loves me regardless | | I think I could fall in love with a man but I never want to leave my wife | | I love him like a brother and care for him very much but it is a unique kind of relationship that is hard to compare with others | | I have a lot of guilt about being unfaithful to my wife |
| Kinsey 3 | I would never have guessed that he was bi. But I am still afraid because I know women have married gay men, and I am sure they felt the way I do, or they would not have done it (she is unmarried) | | I am completely frustrated in my marriage. I feel so isolated from the world, nobody to share in this world with me. It is nice to know I matter - somewhere. | | My ex-husband and I decided our friendship was something worth holding on to. We have been working towards maintaining the love and friendship while realizing we are not longer committed to one another as husband and wife | | There were a few signs that he was cheating but he always denied it and was very convincing, or may be I just wanted to believe him. He began paying attention to me again this year but it was not him anymore. It turns out his "boyfriend" had dumped him | | It seems that he has no interest in changing to try to meet my needs by being physically and emotionally intimate | | My husband had confided in his homosexual feelings to someone [a religious person] who told him to get married as fast as possible and once married and doing "the right thing" with a woman, these feelings would go away. Yeah right! | | How can the man I love and have spent the last 9 years of my life with not really exist? | | I think it absolutely sucks that guys like this marry, often dragging unsuspecting women into their personal hell with no idea what's going to destroy them and their kids down the road | | Wish he had had the faith in me to tell me he was bisexual before he cheated | | I realise now that I was hired to do a job, love wasn't part of the deal. |
| Kinsey 4 | At 13 was attracted to women, but while at boarding school attracted men - thinks he will become more and more heterosexual with time | | Constant roller coaster relationship with his wife - some days wants to make love to her, other times, desires men. Feels ashamed - just wants to be "normal" | | Just recently fallen in love with a man and its the first time in his life that he has realised that he may need to leave his wife | | Married at 20 which was way too young - I did not fully explore my sexual side at all | | My wife has always known about my sexuality - we've had a happy marriage and I managed my sexuality until recently when I discovered that I was in love with my (male) best friend | | My relationships with men have been a comedy of errors - a lot of one night stands and disappointments | | During the first 10 years of marriage, I was able to suppress my homosexual feelings - as I get older, I have noticed stronger feelings towards men | | With the appearance of HIV, I fled into the closet and into only heterosexual relationships | | I have been learning that being gay is more than sex - sexuality is much broader/deeper than just sexual activity | | Came out to my wife as a bisexual and we are doing much better - she does not want to know any more than that. | | Having tried it with a man, I love it and like it more than sex with my wife | | I didn't choose to be attracted to guys - I just was not attracted to women - I found it hard to find a wife, but I am now happily married. |
| Kinsey 4 | I can say we were besotted so that when he said he was leaving me, I died inside. He just packed his stuff and went. I found lots of gay, bisexual sites which he had registered to! | | I really don't know what to do right now! Since I do not have any solid evidence yet about whether or not he is gay, and if he has acted on his tendencies, I am just riding out and living one day at a time | | I think that at the moment I am still at the angry, hurt stage and my feelings are really mixed | | For 13 years, he made me believe that there was something wrong with me | | We both love and respect and genuinely like each other. We are best friends but also more. It is difficult to define because it is different than the norm, but it is more than just best friends. We do have sex, although he considers himself gay | | I would like not to be in this situation but now that I am here I am not about to give it up | | I just want him to admit his sexuality instead of stringing me along | | I am searching for an explanation. He denies it all and says he is turned off to me | | He is in a closed loop relationship with another married bi man whose wife also knows all and is also bisexual. They recently moved to a house in our neighbourhood. We are all close friends and see each other frequently | | I believe he saw me as a nice girl who would be too stupid to find out the truth | | I feel that out of the choices I had to choose from, I pick him and look what I got, a waste of time. I feel cheated | | We really are in what I think is the beginning stages of "coming out" | | The courage it took for my husband to come out to me was huge. Not having to hide such a large part of himself has made him a totally different person. He has made us both different people | | I was friends with my husband for many years before our marriage. During a number of those years he described himself as gay. At the point we began seeing each other romantically, he said he was bi. After a year of dating he said he was straight. I would not have married him had I know he still had same sex attractions | | He says he is not gay and has his sexuality well in hand | | Working first on our own individual issues and developing and maintaining good communication throughout was/is the key to our success in staying together | | Since I was the 4th wife, you would think he would have known that love isn't perfect and love isn't a cure for homosexuality. |
| Kinsey 5 | I used to think I was bisexual but after 15 years of marriage, I had to make some changes - I didn't feel I had a choice - I was depressed and not functioning at all well | | I always thought it was down to environmental circumstances - my brothers never allowed me to join their "gang" and I played with my sisters. However from 10 onwards, I had numerous male friends, so that goes against the argument | | I wish I could lose the homosexuality and live a normal life | | I was devastated that my wife had cheated, so I decided that I had nothing else to lose, so came out again and said that I had always been gay. We remain married for insurance and legal reasons but live separately | | My wife was my first sexual partner - I told her about my same sex attractions on our third date - we were both naive and did not realise what an issue they were to become as I got older | | Soon after our 13th anniversary I told her that I am gay. This prompted an extremely tense time but with the help of a counsellor who specialised in helping women in our sort of relationship, we have moved forward and regained or even increased our loving relationship | | I have been honest to my wife about my sexuality but she won't believe it. My wife is in complete denial. | | Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can live like this. It isn't so much the sexual aspects, it is more the feelings of denial and something sorely lacking in my life | | The rise of the internet and the accessibility of gay sex sights has moved me from denial to action | | I feel very alone often, increasingly so as I get older | | I am what I am - I was born when gay sex was not even legal! I was in a job where being queer was not an option | | I feel that I am on a continuum in my sexual orientation development and recognition |
| Kinsey 5 | We married at a young age. We still are very young. We were engaged before getting pregnant, but got married while I was pregnant. Sometime I think we wouldn't be married now if I hadn't had our son. My husband is very feminine, but that is NOT the only reason I think he might be gay. There's also not a lot of romantic feelings there for us, nor has there ever been...no spark | | When I first found out he was gay, or at least sleeping with men, he told me it was because he was molested by a man when he was 6. I thought at first it had a lot to do with that. I tried to get him counselling but he refused to go. He explained that because he was molested when he was younger, it's ok for him to sleep with men now | | Our sex life was great for the first 18 months or so. I can definitely say it changed over the course of the summer. He wanted it less and less and always made me feel like there was something wrong with me for desiring it. After we were married, the sex life got even worse. | | I always felt in my heart that my spouse was gay, however I had no idea that meant that he could not love me completely. I thought he could choose to be with me and did not realize it was necessary for him to act on his same sex attraction | | We have a good marriage - especially considering how young we were and how little we knew each other when we married. We got very lucky. I believe we're both relatively happy and fulfilled. We don't deny that he's gay even though we are monogamous | | I always found it weird that my husband had very little interest in sex shortly after we married. He always talks about it in front of people but behind closed doors it's a different story---"I'm too tired", "We just did it 3 days ago", "You're a sex addict", etc. | | Although neither of us is completely happy, he wants to stay in the marriage and I do not | | We were active in church - our denomination doesn't condone homosexuality. We aren't slayers, we just don't believe in it. He said he absolutely thought all homosexuals were going to hell. The long story short, he got caught, then he blamed me and the church. In reality he hid behind us both | | We were both young and somewhat naive. we thought that love would overcome everything else | | My husband and I are close. I do believe he loves me but I am not what he really wants and needs. He confided in me about his bisexual feelings after I discovered gay porn on his computer. He was frightened, and told me about his sexuality. He was so afraid I would leave him, but I promised him if he confided in me I would not | | I didn't even think about the possibility that he was not heterosexual before marriage. I just presumed on some subconscious level that he was. There was always "something wrong" with our marriage but I never could work out what, despite having had marriage counselling etc. Only when I decided to divorce him did he decide he had nothing left to lose and told me the truth | | He was a virgin when we married. When he met me he thought the gay thing was over | | When I first met him, I was a vibrant/sexual/beautiful woman. Now, I'm inhibited, scared to touch him, look at him, ask him to make love to me. I feel like I am on another planet. I resent him getting involved with me. How dare a homosexual man get involved with a heterosexual woman! I am dying inside, yet I love so much about him/and hate so much about him | | My husband has been in "reparative therapy" to try to heal and get out of homosexuality because he says he really isn't gay. But it hasn't worked | | 3 episodes. The first: I discovered gay porn on our computer. He dismissed that he knew anything about how it came there. I was doubtful. Second: He rang me explaining that he had had an encounter with a man and thought that he had contracted a disease that he might have passed on to me. He insisted it was a silly episode that happened while he was drunk and that it had nothing to do with him being gay. I expressed clear doubts as to his explanation and told him that he was not true to himself. Third: He was very depressed and I had been looking after him for a while. When I woke up one morning I found him in tears, and he handed me a letter where he explained what he had done over the last 2 years, starting with the porn, going over to chatting on gay sites, then meeting men, then falling in love with one | | After almost 30yrs. I find in my memories mostly lies, bitterness, and overwhelming sadness | | Our family has fallen apart and our 2 college aged children are not coping well either.. One is in denial and the other is partying and drinking trying not to forget this happened. And my ex thinks everyone is happy and doing just fine... He acts as if nothing has changed but his address! | | The biggest factor for me was marrying too young and in a time when homosexuality was not talked about or generally acknowledged to exist. It was not on my "radar screen" or that of any of my friends, neighbours or relatives. |
| Kinsey 6 | I am gay | | Although I have told her that I am gay, I have not told her about my lover, and for now I am not going to | | I knew I was gay and ok with that but found the gay scene horribly intimidating. Met my wife and she became my best friend - we decided to get married and have a great relationship raising our daughter but I am increasingly feeling lonely and yearn for masculine sexual expression | | I have always been scared to get "out" because my brother is gay too. I didn't want to "hurt" my parents with my sexuality | | I did what I was expected to do, dated women, acted straight and tired not to get caught checking other guys out | | I have been in one long term relationship with a man - it lasted 11 years - it ended after discovering and not being able to cope with our co-dependence on each other | | It has taken 45 years for me to feel comfortable with who I am. | | I had been in two deep gay relationships before I met my wife | | I have been with the same man on the side for the past 18 months. While this is not the best, it does provide stability and safety from STDs to the highest possible extent |
| Kinsey 6 | When he told me 14 months ago after 8 years of marriage and 2 children later that he was gay I went into a tale spin. I was unable to carry on normal life. I went into such a deep depression, unreal anxiety, and went so far as to sit at my kitchen table with a bottle of whisky and a knife to kill myself. The only thing that stopped me was the pictures of my 2 beautiful children on the wall | | We are friendly now, but I can't trust him because he lied so much, and I can't ever tell if he's being honest with me. | | We met in a gay club, we fell in love and got married. After 12 years he wanted and needed sex with men. I could not live with him if he was going to do that, so we parted | | Being the straight spouse (wife), I thought we could overcome this, but I was wrong | | I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life, trying to move forward, trying to be a good mom. Scared of the unknown, It is hard | | I find that I resent the popular sympathy towards gays now, they marry and have children then hurt those people in ways that the public can never imagine. They act as if they have the God given right to have their cake and eat it too. I don't believe in most cases that love is involved as gay seems to be all about sex | | We are out as a mixed orientation couple | | I had other boyfriends and was not naive when I met him. I found him the most attractive man I ever met. He was quite inexperienced which was really sweet - I was the ringleader for sure. We had many happy years and there was a lot of passion. However, I must admit I really like gay guys and met many of them over the years we were married and I guess we shared that attraction even though I had no idea he was gay | | My (ex) husband is a very loving, caring, respectful, and generous man and will always be a part of my life, not just because of our children, but because he has always been my best friend. When he first "came out" I was truly devastated | | I had no choice but to get a divorce from him. I couldn't live with him being a slut with men | | I wish that gay men could just be who they are and not hurt a woman .....because they were raised to believe that gay is wrong | | I would have never thought my husband was homosexual in a million years. It taught me that the old saying that love is blind is true. It taught me that the people you love can hurt you the most. It taught me that you can never know who a person is even if you live with them. It taught me that secrets and lies can destroy your life. It taught me how selfish and heartless people can be. It taught me to never trust or be willing to love again | | People who are gay/lesbian and do this type of thing and selfish, cruel and disrespectful of life in general. Where are their heads?? I guess it is all about "them". I will never understand why they marry and certainly have children. Dealing with this is the worst thing I have encountered in my life. The health issues are scary. These people have no concern for other lives | | Religious beliefs and fitting in with society were contributing factors in his marrying me. He acknowledged he never loved me and was never attracted to me. Orientation is not a choice. Behaviour is. He chose to lie, cheat and deceive | | I always believed that sexuality is a continuum - that few people are 100% at either end. My husband's bisexuality (and then later homosexuality) was taken as a normal state. Neither of us were knowledgeable enough at the time to understand that a person's sexuality can and often does change | | Believe it or not, I want him to be happy, but I feel such a loss. I find myself resenting other gay men now, where I never did before | | I can't believe I wasted so much of my life letting him tell me that his unhappiness was my fault for not being a more perfect wife. I'm now glad that I know he's gay, and he's out, because it has vindicated me. | | It is a very difficult situation and is one I've struggled with. I've stayed in my marriage for the sake of our kids and have always found some excuse to not leave my husband. We do not talk about our true thoughts and my husband leaves the room whenever I want to talk about how him being gay and what he's doing has effected our lives | | I am having a very hard time getting over this, and am still "stuck" even though I have known for 11 years. I think he wants to keep all our assets and turn me into a "bag lady", and he's very good in court. |
| Others | I am not in love with my (male) partner but very comfortable together. The real love of my life is a straight guy I met at university who never married and still lives at home | | I think I was born gay and that I identify with women rather than men. I wanted to be a girl | | I wish I could have accepted who and what I was before getting married |
| Others | I was previously married to a gay man for ten years. He is a good man and is still my best friend. I always had a suspicion that he was cheating on me but could never pin point it. |
| Several of the Kinsey 0 men talked about their wives being lesbian or bisexual which had driven them to respond. With the other Kinsey numbers, a gradual change in issues relating to sexuality can be seen on the male side. On the female side, there is perhaps less distinction, but there are some major issues such as husbands attempting to pass the blame on to their wives, and being in denial even when the evidence is there. Return to start of discussion | The Future | | The future is harder to deal with, particularly as many of those responding could not possibly have predicted 10 years ago what was going to happen to them in the next 10 years. | Kinsey 0 | Wife is the gay one, hoping for a happy and rather conventional marriage to someone else | | Emotionally devastated finding out wife was having a lesbian affair - he is still in denial and cannot see anything positive coming out of this. |
| Kinsey 0 | Quite possibly divorce courts | | I think we will be married and best friends and committed to each other |
| Kinsey 1 | Trying to quit from homosexual activity | | Not had experience, would like some with another man | | Fantasy, male intimacy |
| Kinsey 1 | It could go positive or negative - I am not going to settle for less than what I know I could have - I am just hopeful to have it with him | | I truly believe we will divorce | | I predict that we will maintain a positive, loving home for our children and each other. I do not imagine that my husband will ever be in a sexually mature and fulfilling relationship with a man or a woman | | We have been through many things that would have torn most couples apart | | Over |
| Kinsey 2 | Does not feel that his marriage will stand, mainly because of wife's and his needs not being compatible - He has tried everything in his power to make his wife happy but feels that she has taken him for granted. Will move on. | | Would like to be involved with another man in a secret relationship provided he is also married and committed | | Wife has left him, he wants her back but she says she will not come back | | Wishes he knew - having counselling - loves his family but something is missing | | Lives from day to day - will consider sexual encounters with another married male - these urges have got stronger over the years | | Never know what the future holds | | I don't know whether I will ever have a gay relationship but really hope I do | | If she accepts my sexuality, I would like to settle back down and have a stable relationship but also need to explore my other side from time to time. | | I see in the future the need to have a boy friend to foster my gay feelings. |
| Kinsey 2 | I don't know. At the moment he wants me to continue but is denying all | | Hopefully together, but I don't get some inner peace and clarity on this matter. He refuses counselling of any kind | | We have divorced and I have since re-married | | I care about him but not sure if I love him. That is a confusing, scary thought of marriage in the future | | We will be divorced. He will be having quiet relationships with men but still denying | | I hope better than it is now | | I have no idea........that is what is so scary
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| Kinsey 3 | What does my future hold? I am scared - I believe that I will have better results the more honest, open-minded and willing I am | | I hope and pray that I can learn to control the urge to have sex with men - I am deeply in love with my wife and I would never want to hurt her emotionally or health-wise | | I am looking for a relationship with another man outside marriage - my wife still does not know - I feel that we need to build a deeper base of stability before I lay this on her | | I love my wife and we have a great friendship - I never want to lose that | | I love my wife and don't want to destroy our marriage - however, I don't want to feel depressed and lonely either | | At 50 I am going through a crisis and want to be myself but not hurt my wife | | I am not interested in living with another man and not interested in the casual sex many gay men seem to want |
| Kinsey 3 | I think we will make it five years; I am more concerned about where it will be in twenty | | I am really not sure. It changes so often, our marriage that it is really hard to say | | I am in the process of trying to leave. He is trying to make it hard because I don't have anywhere to go. | | We divorced. However our friendship has remained and we are still sexually active and share a love for one another while he also has a relationship with his boyfriend | | Will always be friends, I hope, as I love him dearly and want him to be happy, and to know himself | | He destroyed my trust in him and I don't see ever recovering from that, sadly | | Divorced! I am very excited to live what it will feel like to be with a straight man that really wants me | | The scariest part of thinking of starting again is having to be vulnerable in the intimate department | | No more secrets |
| Kinsey 4 | At age of 23, absolutely wishes to settle into a happy married life - feels that his changes in sexuality towards hetero are definitely in the right direction | | I am still slightly confused about what to do for the future relationships (divorced) - I am actively looking to explore a relationship with a man | | Negatives - ruining my life and that of my wife and those of my family - Positives - finally being "free" (after separation) | | Don't believe in divorce so I will go to my grave with my secret - not the best way of living life but better to suffer on my own than destroy my wife, son and daughter's life by admitting who I really am | | Leave my wife and live with my true love (male) | | I am praying my way through this - I have come out to a very few friends and they are supportive of me | | I hope to be able to control my almost obsessive sexual appetite. I hope to make peace with God and my wife | | This is a scary thought - I will probably end up alone and/or immerse myself in work to avoid thinking about the issue | | To continue to see out a male friend for sexual pleasure and close relationship | | I intend to remain faithful to my wife and family - nobody held a gun to my head and made me marry | | I don't know where it is leading - all I know is that I now have feelings that I never had before |
| Kinsey 4 | If we continue to be honest with each other, and trust each other, we can make things work through | | I have no idea. We could still be living this lie - we are friends after all | | I cannot imagine having to share him with other men, but I want him to discover who he is, whether or not that life includes me or not. I want to be selfish in this but that is already out of my hands as I am not prepared to lose him out of my life forever | | I would prefer that he was straight but he is a great dad and husband and friend | | Hopefully I will have the strength and courage to leave and be happy without him | | I expect that we will still be together and happily married | | If all goes well we will be divorced by the end of the year | | I think we now have more respect for each other and both want to be together in the future | | I think we will eventually get the divorce that has been in the works for 3 years now | | We are divorced. We have had no contact for months. |
| Kinsey 5 | I love my wife but I am not in love with her - I am committed to her for life, so I search for another married guy in similar circumstance to have a relationship with | | My marriage is all about over now but we are still close | | We have decided to stay together because we are best of friends and love one another deeply | | It is important to tell people that are close to you - that way both of you can have the support of family and friends | | I think that over the next year or so, she will start thinking that it is time to move on, and I am ready for it, and will be here to support her through the hard time | | I hope to be able to continue my marriage and also my relationship with my boyfriend. I love both my wife and my boyfriend but I find my love for my wife turning more to friendship love than romantic love | | There is the constant risk that my homosexual feelings will overcome my love for my wife and sons | | If I come out, and my world crashes down, I don't know where we will be when the dust settles! I believe that God has a purpose for all of our lives but being gay is not something endorsed by the Catholic faith | | I want to be single and active in the gay community not just on a sexual level, but for the connections, friendships, and hopefully a loving relationship with another gay man | | I struggle with guilt, yet with increasingly strong desires for guys | | Divorce, relationship with a man. |
| Kinsey 5 | I feel like we will definitely be divorced, but I really want to save our marriage if possible | | We were never married, but were together for 4 years and have 1 child together. I'm hoping someday we can be friends | | We are in the process of separating, but are trying to remain friends--that has not been easy, and at this point, I don't know for sure that we will be able to do that | | I want my kids to grow up in a world where it is OK to be who you are. I want them to be able to be comfortable with their sexuality so they can explore whatever options they need so that they can decide to enter into a committed relationship with the person that they love and not to fear their feelings because of what society dictates | | Still married; still enjoying being together | | I really think it is up to me, I think he is too scared to come out fully and really admit he might be homosexual | | I have no idea. We will always be family, but it is possible we could separate | | We are planning a March wedding, I don't see it happening | | After 19 years of marriage and three months after disclosure we agreed to live an experiment for some time and see what happens in 6 months, one year if we can try to work things together or we split up | | After 3 years of very honest and deep work on both our sides, we seem to reach a sense of peace and confidence that we really belong to each other | | I have given myself 12 months to get things in order then he is to leave. It is not the gay thing that is the issue here it is the lying | | No one can really say for sure, but we are best friends and we love each other still and want to be together for a very long time | | I think will be always be married, but he will have a man in his life if the right person enter his (our) life. |
| Kinsey 6 | I know the future will take me out of my marriage and into a relationship with a man, because that is what my body, mind and heart desires | | No idea, but I hope we remain very close friends in some form of relational expression | | I am simply terrified of the future - I guess the number one fear is being alone | | I am in a partnered relationship with a wonderful man who brings me fulfilment - I didn't think it possible | | My deepest wish is to live alone, without my wife's comment on who I am, without my wife's comment on what I do. Still, I love her and we have a mutual history with two great children. |
| Kinsey 6 | What I have learned over the past year among other things is that nothing is for sure. Take it as it comes | | Divorced for sure - I hope he finds himself. I feel sad that he has had to hide for so long | | Thru sheer entropy, we could still be married. But from the disclosure on, it's no longer "marriage." It's friendship | | We will never reconcile, I am only married on paper | | Done and over! | | I think we will be together, continuing to support and love each other. I'm pretty sure that there will also be a significant other man in his life - and perhaps in my life as well | | I want out. I feel like I'm living in Hell with someone who is totally dishonest | | I can't divorce because of my religion. |
| Others | I want to become straight but I fear all the worst things about my future. |
| Others | We will either be divorced or we will have found a way back to the relationship we used to have |
| There are some interesting insights as to what might be expected by many of the contributors. Some are quite positive, some are quite negative, some are very unsure. One response which did not appear in the published sections of the questionnaires but which appeared in the "Comments" was to do with faith: Faith "This does not negate the fact that they might have been gay/lesbian and still have that orientation. To say that a person can't change if they believe that they are not living true to their faith needs to be addressed. To tell someone that they cannot change their life if they truly want to, dampens the human spirit and the ability to incorporate free-will and choices for our lives. This is an alternate paradigm of thinking." I have added this statement here for completeness - there are many references to religion in the responses and faith cannot be ignored. It is up to us as individuals to decide whether we think it will help us or not. Return to start of discussion | If you have not already submitted a response to one of the Questionnaires and would like to do so: Click here | | |
I will undertake further analysis of the results with time. In the mean time, comments on the above are always welcome, or if you would like to re-do your questionnaire to provide fuller information, let me know - contact . For the full responses: Click here |
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