Wives Tales

Wives' tales can be quite harrowing

I have received a large number of e-mails from wives and girlfriends of men whom they suspect or know to be gay or bisexual. The following items try to reveal the types of things that happen without giving away the identities of the people involved. There are several wives tales to be found on the Case Histories page and also in the responses to the Women's Questionnaires.

Discovery

Sometimes wives have written because they have accidentally discovered on the family computer e-mails where the husband is talking to other men about sex. Such a discovery can be traumatic to a wife who has lived with a man whom she loves with all her heart and thought she knew, and suddenly discovers that she does not know him at all.

Sometimes under those circumstances, the wife will confront her husband and ask for the truth. As often as not, the husband will deny that he is gay or bisexual, even deny that such emails exist, or try to blame them on someone else should she show them to him.

Where there are children, the wife will want to protect them from what she suspects is happening, and to secure their future.

Usually under these circumstances she will be extremely confused and searching for some understanding of what is going on.

Suspicion

Sometimes wives have written because they have a suspicion that their husband may be gay. There could be a number of reasons for this:

	Rare instances of having sex throughout the marriage
	Says he is not that keen on kissing
	Constantly having to be the initiator of having sex, never the husband initiating
	Apparent homophobia, disguising the opposite
	Progressively becoming more daring in what he reveals to his wife, e.g. a liking for movies with a gay or bisexual theme
	Has never practiced oral sex on his wife
	Having men around him, even some who are gay
	Sudden changes in behaviour e.g. no longer wearing underwear
	Near always looks at other men, rarely at women
	Increasingly frequent unexplained absences
	Regular sessions on the home computer behind closed doors, covering up whenever someone comes into the room
	Suspicion that the husband has married to stop other people thinking that he could be gay, particularly parents and peer groups.

The most common question is "How can I find out if he is gay?"

Knowledge from the Beginning

Some men are open about their sexuality when they marry, and some women are prepared to take such men on, provided that there is genuine love between them.

This provides a degree of respectability to the man, while the wife hopes that they can lead a normal life.

However, many wives cannot put up with listening to their husband any longer bragging about the latest man in his life, with whom he may have fallen in love. But to abandon a husband under such circumstances can be very traumatic for the wife, even though she may have married him knowing about his sexuality.

She will be concerned that he has no one to talk to (as she and he will have talked in the past). She will be concerned for his health and for his wellbeing. She will be concerned for what is going to happen to him.

She will be concerned for her own future and for the future of any children.

Where does she go from there?

Grave Concern

Some wives have written to say how they are gravely concerned about their husband's homo-erotic urges which could have been brought on by recent stresses (triggers). This is the time when a husband may be at risk of "coming off the rails" while at the same time being labelled and hated for his urges which he feels that he should be able to quit, but can't.

Under these circumstances, they could see themselves being trapped on a track of unavoidable suffering, and potential destruction of the family because of his inherent desire for other men.

The wife is trying to find solutions that could resolve the situation in an amicable manner, satisfactory to both parties to the marriage and to the children.

The husband resists such solutions, trying to maintain the status quo in the marriage, something that the wife cannot accept so long as his homoerotic activities continue.

Where next?

To finish, I am quoting from one correspondent something which I think is likely to be common to all women who find themselves in similar circumstances:

"My one regret is that there are not more views from the women on the other side of the closet door sharing what they have gone through. This is the most difficult thing that I think anyone could ever have to deal with and I would love to be able to speak with someone that is in the same situation. Are the women just too ashamed or embarrassed. There is never anything wrong with loving another human being. In fact, I think the most wonderful thing that you can ever do is to give someone your unconditional love. There is nothing that my husband could ever do that would make me stop loving him. It is an endless feeling, there is a space within me that is reserved only for him and that no person, male/female or gay/straight, could ever take over. If there were anything about him that were different, then he would not be the same person that I love. That cannot change, and it won't. "

Food for thought?

There are groups for straight spouses which do enable wives to share thoughts and ideas - these can be found on the Links page. And of course, I am prepared to enter into dialogue with straight spouses - click here.